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Relationships Sex

My Boyfriend Told Me He Wants to Give Other Men Oral

Navigating our sexual evolution as a couple


Recently, my good friend Gabby and I finally got together for dinner and drinks after syncing up our too-busy schedules. We talked about the usual over my white wine and her Moscow mule. What I’d been up to, the new woman she was dating, how neither of us could stay out too late or drink too much because we both had to work early in the morning.

Fast forward to sometime around midnight, our second bar of the evening, four or five drinks in. We were analyzing each other’s sex lives, as we like to do, and that’s when I decided to seek her wise counsel.

I shared my wandering thoughts regarding something my partner and I had discussed on several different occasions. There were a few reasons it felt right, one of them being her experience with exploring her sexuality and eventually coming out as a lesbian to her friends and family.

I prefaced it by explaining I was about to reveal some pretty personal info that wasn’t exactly mine to share. But I didn’t know where else to turn. And I trusted her.

“I’m pretty sure my boyfriend wants to have sex with men,” I blurted out. “I think he’s bisexual.”

She raised an eyebrow and took another drink, the corners of her lips drifting upward in a subtle smile.

Honesty time

When I met my partner, it was literally love at first sight. Depending on your perspective, it could be considered lust at first sight, but the second after we were introduced to each other, there was an intense emotional/intellectual connection as well as a physical one.

It’s safe to say that it was love and lust at first sight.

We were extremely hot and heavy for years, and it was the most intense connection I’d ever experienced with a man.

There are a million stories I would love to write about how we got where we are, but this is the one I’m focused on at present. It’s the state of our sexual relationship as it is today — which is evolving.

Our first eight years together, I had no inclination that my partner might be sexually interested in men. None at all. He was too busy getting into my pants and making me feel like the most tempting goddess of sex in all the universe.

He didn’t tell me about his past experience with a guy until much later, and I learned that he’s never spoken about it to any of his other female partners before me.

He told me of his secret encounter while we were in bed one night, post-sex. By this point, things had slowed down for us as a couple sexually, and I’d just started exploring my own sexual awakening. This was a couple years ago when I was starting to realize that monogamy was, maybe, not my default.

I’d been slowly letting him in on my growing interest in threesomes, open relationships, and polyamory. It was a time in our relationship when we were talking about sex and fantasies more than we were having sex.

I had just shared with him that, if it was something he wanted, I’d be open to inviting another woman to join us, even though the idea of sex with a woman isn’t a huge turn-on for me. But if the right situation came along, and we all felt safe with consensual exploration, it’s an experience I wouldn’t want to miss.

My strong preference, however, would be to invite another man to join us. I fantasize about a wild and intense threesome where two men are giving me all of the attention.

Lo and behold, my revelations encouraged him to reveal one of his own. That night, for no particular reason I can discern, he felt comfortable sharing a same-sex experience he’d had in high school. He’d given one of his male friends oral sex. And he admitted that, even after twenty-plus years of never acting on feelings of same-sex attraction, they were still there.

A secure man can be vulnerable

I was totally surprised. This man was the best kisser I’d ever been with, the best giver of oral sex, and the one who could make love to me until I was in a spellbinding, orgasmic daze. But just because he was very skilled with a woman’s body didn’t mean he couldn’t be skilled with a man’s. My being a female never seemed to be a turn-off for him, so I assumed he was bisexual.

A survey of LGBT Americans from the Pew Research Center found that while 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians say the important people in their lives know of their sexual orientation, just 28% of bisexuals say the same.

This lines up with the fact that my partner has never admitted it to anyone else, and he never even told me until we had eight years under our belt.

Back when we first started talking about his sexual attraction to men, he wouldn’t attach a label to it, and I didn’t either. It was new, it was interesting, it was exciting. I never knew he was so sexually open-minded. We were evolving together.

How many women have told their male partners about experimenting with a woman sexually, or just wondering what it would be like? How many men would confide their same-sex experience or curiosity to their female partners?

Mine would. He would trust me enough to let me in. And I love that about him. I was happy that he felt safe telling me something he had never felt safe enough to tell anyone else.

And I think once he learned how accepting/encouraging I was, he found it easier to talk about.

And boy, did he talk.

Aural sex

My partner can be extremely vocal when we’re being intimate. Talking about various sexual scenarios intensifies his orgasm. Eventually, he felt comfortable enough to talk about what he’d like to do with another man.

And he wanted me to talk about it too. I admit, I get a little shy when it comes to dirty talk. Sometimes I’m in the mood to just shut up and get down to the action. Plus, he’s far better at the talking than I am.

But I know he absolutely loves it when I participate and paint a verbal picture for him, so from time to time, I’ll give it my best effort. I know the idea of fellating a man still turns him on, and sometimes we’ll talk about that.

Other times we talk about him watching me and one of my girlfriends. Or, one of his favorites, me pegging him with a strap-on while he gives a male guest a blow job.

I confess, there was a point when, while discussing different hypothetical scenes, I started feeling less turned on and more insecure. Was I enough for him? Was he more into men, or maybe just into men? Did he need to fantasize about a man in order to get off with me? Was my lack of external genitalia becoming a problem now that he’d opened up about this hidden part of his sexuality?

Maybe I even felt like I was in competition with him, on some weird imaginary level that has yet to happen. If we finally do feel adventurous enough to invite a man into a threesome, I wanted to be the one giving blow jobs while being fucked. Now, I realize, I might have to wait in line.

I’m incredibly submissive when it comes to sex. And I think my partner might be as well. Maybe labels have their drawbacks, but in my case, I think I’d find them helpful.

Evolving together

Despite some of my worries, which I’m pretty sure are rooted in insecurity and have no real foundation when it comes to my partner’s love for me, the fact remains that we’re definitely not bored as a couple. And, I like to give blow jobs too, so I can see where he’s coming from.

If a couple starts to get bored, stops exploring their ever-changing sexual desires, or, worst of all, stops communicating — they’re in trouble.

Somehow, I think my partner and I are just beginning. We’re like an upgraded version of what we were before, and I look forward to where this new platform will take us.


I shared all this with my trustworthy friend on a Friday night in a dark corner of a hole-in-the-wall bar. Interestingly enough, when she found out my partner loved pegging, her eyes lit up.

Gabby has never enjoyed being penetrated by a man, but she does feel attraction to men, and pegging is something she’s very much into.

Later that night, when I went home to my partner and straddled him, I explained everything Gabby and I had discussed.

I know he wants to invite Gabby in, and the fact that she knows about this part of him seemed to flip a switch. That night while we made love, he was very vocal about what he wanted the three of us to do together.

Honestly, Gabby’s the one friend I think I’d feel comfortable with bringing into our first threesome, though that night is the closest she and I have ever come to touching on that topic. Though we both flirt with each other shamelessly, we’ve never so much as kissed.

The question still remains: Will my partner and I act on our fantasies, or do we keep them wrapped in a nice, safe bubble that we take out and play with on occasion, when we’re in the mood for a little aural stimulation?

I’m excited to find out.


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Categories
Relationships Sex

I Finally Lost My Anal Virginity

Here’s how I gained a whole new world of pleasure


After multiple failed attempts over the last four years or so, I finally lost my anal virginity. It just happened this past weekend.

And it went well. Very well.

I didn’t even know Anal August was a thing until afterward when I started writing — but what perfect timing!

Ever since leaving a marriage where sex had become a nightmare, I’ve been on a kick of exploring my sexual self.

Escaping a mentally and sometimes sexually abusive relationship left me free to discover who I was as an independent woman. I went from associating sex with feelings of emotional turmoil to falling in love with a partner who taught me it can be pleasurable, passionate, and adventurous — when you’re with the right person.

For me, being sexually adventurous means exploring uncharted territory. Finding new and exciting ways of enhancing pleasure for my partner and myself.

One such territory is anal. But — (giggles) — no longer is butt sex uncharted for this sexual explorer. Hubby and I have successfully mapped that Wild West.

And I must say, I’d do it again.

New, different, and incredibly hot

One very important thing we had neglected during previous attempts was making sure I was truly ready to go. We’d have a little foreplay — a good bit of it focused on making him hard and ready — but not enough for me.

I think that’s the defining difference of why I was able to be fully penetrated this time: we made sure I climaxed first. Lots of kissing on my lips and on my neck. Lots of massaging my breasts and stimulating my nipples with both his tongue and fingers.

We used my vibrator that includes both G-spot and clitoral stimulation, and he watched me make myself come while he continued massaging my breasts. It was a super intense orgasm — so I was very much aroused and relaxed down there when I turned over on my belly.

Face down, ass up was the position I was comfortable trying. We started with a small butt plug first, then a bigger dildo with a base (super important with anal). It was longer than the butt plug, but still slimmer than his cock.

He inserted the toy slowly, with my clear communication for guidance on whether to keep going or not.

And this is the newest tidbit of information I found that helped me learn how to enjoy anal without hurting. Though it might seem counter-intuitive, bearing down and actually pushing out during penetration allows you to relax that ring of muscle.

That’s what I focused on with my ass in the air. We got the toy all the way in, and I used my little bullet vibrator on my clit at the same time. The sensation was different, but good. I still felt very full and stimulated, like with vaginal sex, but in a new and different place. Using the bullet vibe along with anal penetration was wonderful.

After a few minutes of the dildo, we moved to his larger, thicker cock. There was a more intense pressure, and only a tiny bit of pain at the first initial penetration. He used plenty of lube, and I again guided him with my voice. He had to go a little slower than with the dildo, but once he was all the way in, I again felt that full, pleasurable feeling.

And then he was fucking my ass. Slowly, then a little bit faster.

I was playing with my clit and being fucked in the ass for the very first time — and I was loud as hell in response to the pleasure. It was truly wild. We even managed to try a different position — he guided me down to lie flat on my stomach, his cock still inside me, and started prone-boning me with my legs closed, my muscles gripping his cock extra tight.

It felt pretty amazing.

Preparation is key

Forward planning was necessary to make it happen for me. Not just the night of, but leading up to it. Though I was always open to anal sex because my partner was interested, after a couple of failed attempts I thought maybe it just wasn’t physically possible for me.

But after plenty of time had passed since our previous attempt, I got curious again.

I wanted to know why some women enjoyed it, and I couldn’t seem to even be penetrated. The two times we tried, it was far too painful. I wasn’t relaxed or aroused enough, and my body became this impenetrable fortress that wouldn’t allow entry, no matter how I tried to make it happen.

It’s important to say that I received absolutely zero pressure from Hubby for us to keep trying. I knew the thought of it drove him crazy though. He’s an ass man, and his pleausure was indeed a motivator for me.

About a third of women say they find anal penetration pleasurable, according to a study for the National Institutes of Health, and I made it my personal mission to see if I could too. I knew there were probably some steps we had skipped and could try to incorporate, so I started doing some serious anal sex research.

I read articles and listened to sex podcasts directed toward women and couples. Some amazing and informative references that helped me in my academic anal pursuits are The 3 Best Positions for Great Anal Sex by Emma Austin, How to Make Anal Sex Less Intimidating by Demeter deLune, and the Shameless Sex podcast.

I didn’t learn until recently that you have two sets of muscle (external and internal sphincters) that need to relax and stretch open to allow entry.

“While you can control your external sphincter (skeletal muscle) consciously, the internal sphincter (smooth muscle) is not under voluntary control, and may need some additional coaxing to relax.”

Top Tips for More Pleasurable Bottoming, Jason Wong, PT, DPT

Learning this was key, because it finally hit home that I can’t just have anal sex because I will it to happen. I learned that my body needs some extra warming up, a bit of stretching with some toys, and an orgasm or two before he penetrates me.

Third time’s a charm!

Even though I thought I hated anal sex or wasn’t capable of it, I realized that for some, like me, it’s just a matter of learning about your body and knowing how to prepare. The result is discovering new pleasure zones I’d never felt before.

Here’s what I would recommend to anyone thinking of being on the receiving end of anal sex.

  1. Preparation. Confession: I have anxiety around germs and poo during sex. I don’t like the idea of getting messy back there, and it’s something that can really affect my body’s ability to relax. What helped me with this was knowing I’d gone to the bathroom that morning. I ate light that day. And, during my shower just before we fucked, I placed my finger in my bum, which assured me things were nice and tidy. Knowing this beforehand really helps if you’re an anxious gal like me.
  2. Foreplay. Lots of foreplay. I need to come before I’m penetrated. Once, at the very least. (More is better!)
  3. Lube, lube, lube. I love the feeling of it on my skin, and it’s a step you can’t skip or replace with saliva.
  4. Patience and communication. Go slow. Talk. Check in. Always be clear about what’s working and what isn’t.
  5. Understand it might not work out. And both partners need to be completely cool with it if it doesn’t. You don’t only have to give it one chance — you can try again later if you want to. Sometimes practice makes perfect!

As good as everything felt (and it felt really fucking good), neither of us got to come this first time. I had pretty much desensitized my clit from all the battery-operated stimulation I’d been giving it for a good while up to the anal sex.

And he didn’t get to come in my ass, as he sometimes will lose his erection if he waits too long to finish. So all the preparation and warm-up is absolutely necessary, but it’s going to be tricky for us to work out the timing for both of our unique bodies.

But the experience was immensely hot and has opened a whole new world of pleasure for us — so I see it as a successful new venture! I think with some practice, we’ll get the hang of it.


Categories
Sex

I’m a Feminist Who Shaves Her Pubic Hair

It’s not because the patriarchy brainwashed me


Some women choose not to remove their body hair. Some prefer the natural state of their pubic, underarm, or leg hair. And some refuse to shave as an act of rebellion against the patriarchy or societal standards of beauty.

I’m of the belief that anyone can do what they like with their pubic hair. It’s a personal decision whether you shave, trim, or go natural — but the biggest priority is that you’re happy, healthy, and comfortable in your body.

I don’t base my decision to remove my hair on any outside persuasion. I base it on what I want for my body.

I truly respect and appreciate a woman’s choice to shave or not shave for whatever reason she sees fit. Some have had the experience of being oppressed or forced or pressured into shaving, so I understand the need to go against the grain.

I see my shaved lady parts as an act of feminism because it’s what I want. I’m grateful I have the freedom to tune out what anyone else thinks, and I don’t care if it’s looked down on by some as the popular choice or the slutty “porn look” choice or the patriarchy-approved choice.

It’s my choice.

To me, that’s feminism. Independent thought, and being valued enough and liberated enough to do whatever you damn well please with your body hair.

I shave my legs because growing the hair out exacerbates my eczema. I shave under my arms because it feels more comfortable. And I shave my pubic hair for a number of different reasons, all of which involve my comfort, sexual pleasure, and personal preference.

My grooming habits are based on what I want. Expectations put in place by society don’t factor in the decision. No, I’m not brainwashed by the patriarchy or razor companies. I simply do what I like with my body.

Not shaving my body hair just to stick it to the patriarchy (even though I prefer shaving for all sorts of personal reasons) would be just as problematic as shaving because society tells me to.

Some men love a woman who shaves her outer vulva. Other men prefer or even need at least some pubic hair on a woman. I’ve had an ex-boyfriend tell me that a shaved woman doesn’t seem sophisticated or worldly enough, and that there should be some hair down there so that she’s more “sexually appealing.”

That’s a personal preference that works for him, but it’s just not for me.

I just groom my vulva the way I like.

And I like it smooth.

Discovering my personal preference

I’ve read many articles online on the matter of female body hair. Probably more than any one person needs to read. Some of them hint at or outright describe shaving as a shameful, self-hating activity that we do only because it’s the way we’ve been programmed.

But I think it’s all about doing what’s right for you. Do you love the feel of your freshly shaved legs against your bedsheets? Or against the skin of your lover’s hand?

Do you love the curl and thickness of your pubic hair? Does it make you feel more feminine, more sexually confident, more whole?

No matter what anyone thinks, do what you love.

Not shaving my body hair just to stick it to the patriarchy (even though I prefer shaving for all sorts of personal reasons) would be just as problematic as shaving because society tells me to.

Once I was old enough to have plenty of hair on my pubic region, I never felt pressure from anyone to shave. My mom didn’t suggest it, and none of the razor commercials of ladies performing synchronized swim routines in colorful bathing suits made me feel pressured one way or another.

What I did get frustrated with, however, was how my tuft of hair would become increasingly difficult to keep clean when I got my period.

Before I learned to use tampons, my dark, thick curls would get tangled in the blood of a soaked pad, and dry toilet paper did little to help the issue. I eventually started using tampons, but I played a lot of sports and still had plenty of mess and sweat to deal with.

I wasn’t a fan of the coarse feeling whenever I touched it, either. I didn’t like the smell, especially during that time of the month (even though I bathed each night). And I didn’t like the stray hairs sprouting out every which direction from my underwear.

I decided my feelings on my hairy lady parts before anyone told me to, before I saw porn, and before I ever had sex. Boyfriends didn’t see me naked until I was 17, so I’d had plenty of time to come to the conclusion naturally.

And then, I discovered sex. And, especially, my love of oral sex. Now, as a full-fledged adult who very much enjoys sex, I’ve found more reasons to love my smoothly shaved pleasure zone.

Increased sensation and pleasure

The feel of my partner’s hands or tongue or penis against my vulva is far more pleasurable when I’m shaved.

I love the skin-on-skin contact. The warmth and wetness of his tongue directly on my sensitive folds, the feel of his fingers exploring my exposed self. I can more thoroughly enjoy a friction-free vaginal massage. And I love the glorious sensation of smooth, silky lube down there.

Without pubic hair, my sensation and pleasure increases. It helps me not only have more intense orgasms, but more orgasms in general.

A better experience giving oral

There’s no double standard here. My preference for shaved genitals goes for any gender of the person I’m pleasuring.

I’m a big fan of giving partners as much pleasure as I can. Arousing them arouses me, and that’s one reason why I’m such a big fan of performing oral sex.

If my male partner has pubic hair, it’s more difficult to properly lick and suck his balls. And it’s a lot less sexy when hair is constantly scraping against my tongue or getting caught in the back of my throat. Nothing breaks the mood like stopping at the peak of pleasure to hack up a few stray hairs.

Easier to keep clean

I’ll probably get some pushback on this one especially. First of all, I understand and agree that there are absolutely no health benefits to shaving, and that having pubic hair is not in any way unhygienic. You can be perfectly clean with a full bush. In the same way, you can be smooth as a rose petal and not practice good hygiene habits.

However, I’m able to maintain cleanliness more easily by staying shaved. There’s a lot going on down there for me. Sweat, my own sexy juices, blood, urine — it’s a busy place. Add the fact that I’m a runner to the equation.

I like that I don’t have to take the time to thoroughly wash another set of hair in the shower. All I need is a relaxing swipe or two from my sudsy bath loofah on my bare skin, and I’m good to go.

I feel more sexually confident

I simply love the beautiful aesthetic of my shaved vulva. Even though I know the bare look isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, it happens to be more visually appealing to me.

But it’s not just about what’s on the surface. I also feel sexier when I’m shaved. Removing my pubic hair fully exposes my most feminine and private parts. You can more easily see my labia, my clit, my vaginal opening. Even when my legs are closed, I like the look of that telling line at the beginning of my slit — it opens to a world of my femininity and pleasure.

Baring myself naked in this way, as naked and exposed and vulnerable as I can be, gives me a thrill. Perhaps it’s the exhibitionist in me?

I Don’t Have a “Patriarchal Pussy”

My preference to shave isn’t a result of feeling shame. I’ve not been shaped or stifled by a culture of patriarchy and commercial beauty standards. I understand that has been some women’s experience — and that’s a problem we need to address by being more open and not judgemental of women’s bodies. It simply hasn’t been my experience.

I don’t spend much on razors. For my legs, I actually get a better shave with a set of Lady Bics (about $5 for a set of ten, which lasts me three months or more).

I’m saving plenty of time and money on the fact that I literally never get a manicure, rarely paint my own nails, don’t often visit the salon, and typically don’t wear makeup more than once or twice a week. Because, again, it’s not really about societal beauty standards or practices pushed upon me, it’s about what I like to do with my body.

I also don’t spend a lot of time or money maintaining my pubic hair. I prefer using an electric shaver that’s actually meant for beards. It’s quick, easy, and gentle on my skin. While I do get bumps and shaving if I use a mechanical razor, I don’t get them with the electric one, because it’s not as close of a shave.

So to anyone considering the question of beauty and body hair and what it means to our identity: we’re all entitled to follow our own path. Enjoy the freedom to shave or not shave. Do what brings you joy, pleasure, health, and happiness.


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