Categories
Sex

Women Orgasm During Sleep, Too


Wet dreams. Nocturnal emissions. Sleep orgasms. Whatever you want to call it, they all mean the same thing. And they can happen to anyone — not just a hormone-crazed teenage boy.

I’m sure it must be a confusing, messy, emotionally charged event for a young man to experience his first nocturnal emission. You go to bed dry, and you suddenly wake from a weird dream about your freshmen art teacher pole-dancing at a strip club full of cats drinking martinis, and you’re covered in your own sticky mess, feeling a mixture of pleasure and embarrassment.

It’s a totally normal, healthy biological event during puberty. But this kind of spontaneous orgasm doesn’t just happen to adolescent boys. It can happen well into adulthood. And it can happen to women, too.

Unsurprisingly, there’s not a ton of research on the subject. One 1986 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that 37% of women have experienced at least one sleep orgasm.

I, happily, have experienced far more.

Not everyone likes it

I started digging into the female “sleepgasm” after reading a fantastic article from traceybyfire, who presents a clever and fascinating view on the subject, but from a completely different angle. She wakes up writhing and thrashing on the bed, jolted out of sleep violently. Suffice it to say, it’s not her ideal way to exit dreamland. Sometimes I Orgasm in My Sleep
Thoughts on why it happens and how to prevent it
.

But everyone’s body is different. I wake from a sleep orgasm slowly, floating pleasantly into reality as soft waves of pleasure pulsate outward from deep within my ladybits.

I don’t thrash around the bed or twist myself up in my sheets. I literally feel myself travel from sleep to consciousness, my body still, no physical movement except for maybe a slight thrusting of my pelvis — because at that point, I’m wanting to keep it going. I’m wanting more.

It doesn’t happen often. Once in a blue moon I’ll experience this phenomenon, orgasming with absolutely no stimulation from any outside force.

It’s like magic.

It used to freak me out

Although I enjoy it now, that wasn’t always the case. Though boys may hear about it from parents, friends, the internet, or sex ed, there’s just not a lot of talk about how it affects females.

I was young when it first happened to me. Maybe ten years old — before I even knew or understood what an orgasm was. I didn’t wake up messy, but I had no idea what my body was doing. It didn’t hurt or feel bad at all, quite the opposite really, but I couldn’t figure out why this unusual activity was going on down there, and we tend to fear the unknown.

It felt pretty much the same back then as it does now — slow, subtle waves of pleasure that start during a dream and gradually get stronger, until the sensation wakes me up at its peak, and then slowly starts to fade.

As a kid, when I had no idea what the hell was going on, the dreams I had were strange. I dreamed of someone touching me, and there were a few times I honestly feared that someone was fondling me in my sleep — that’s how real it felt.

It was a confusing, anxious time as I made my way into puberty. And it was something I couldn’t even put words to. I couldn’t communicate my concern to my parents.

Talking erotic fantasies with your partner

Photo by Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash

When I started masturbating as a teen and discovered what a conscious orgasm from physical stimulation felt like, it was a much more intense physical experience and far more pleasurable than the subtler sleep orgasm.

From that point on, I’d experience an orgasm in my sleep maybe two or three times a year. And when it happens, I’m usually dreaming of something erotic.

I sometimes have incredibly realistic sex dreams where an Adonis of a man is just going to town on me. I literally feel the penetration — I feel his dick thrusting in and out of my vagina like it’s the real deal.

There have been times when I’ve woken up just when I was about to climax, and I’ll find myself squeezing my legs together, my hand on my aching vulva, wanting desperately to bring myself to completion. The worst is when a busy morning routine doesn’t allow time for masturbation or morning sex.

But even if I do climax during sleep, it’s a sleep-dampened version that just leaves me wanting more. It’s like the appetizer of orgasms — enough to whet my appetite, but not enough to satiate me.

I’ll communicate these events to my partner. Usually during sexy texts exchanged while we’re both at work. I’ll tell him about a sex dream I’ve had in detail — whether it’s about him or not. He often does the same if he has an erotic dream.

Whether you orgasm in your sleep or not, communicating sexual dreams you can’t control or even sexual fantasies you imagine while awake can really spice things up in your romantic relationship.

When he and I talk or text about our strange sex dreams or our sexual fantasies in general, it creates this delicious build-up for when we have sex that night (or, sometimes more realistically, that weekend).

The last time I experienced a sleepgasm, I was actually dreaming of my partner fucking me. Dreamland is the Wild West of the imagination. I could dream about any fantasy my limitless imagination can concoct, and my mind goes and dreams of my boyfriend. I believe it was because we’d been having a dry spell and I was missing the physical connection with him.

In any case, talk (or text) about your sexual fantasies with your partner. If you don’t already do that, take the initiative and start. Opening that line of conversation up can make you feel quite vulnerable, but it can also make you both feel exquisitely aroused.

The irony

It’s a funny thing that I can’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse without clitoral stimulation, but I can orgasm with no stimulation at all. It’s like having sleep-induced psychic powers. Like sexual-telekinetic superpowers that allow me to think myself into orgasm just from dreaming it.

I’ve never climaxed from vaginal intercourse alone. I’m still holding out hope, and I certainly enjoy trying, but it’s yet to be a thing. I belong to the larger group this rings true for: only a quarter of women consistently experience orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Those lucky ducks. No, I don’t let this get me down. I’m perfectly happy to orgasm through clitoral stimulation while simultaneously being penetrated by my partner’s fingers or cock — it just takes some multi-tasking, and that’s A-okay.

And while nocturnal orgasms are more common during our teenage years — the time our hormones are raging as our sexual organs start to reach maturity — it can also happen well into adulthood.

It’s imperative to keep communication active when it comes to sexuality and sexual biological functions, whether it’s within our romantic relationships, or with our children who may be confused and questioning a certain experience.

I make it a point to let my partner know that he can always come to me with fantasies, and I won’t judge — as long as he gives me the same courtesy.

Thank you for reading! You can find more of my work at https://medium.com/@holly.bradshaw .

Featured Image by Dieter Robbins from Pixabay


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Categories
Sex

The Art of the Dominant Blow Job

Sometimes I like it rough and kinky — even when it comes to oral


Outside of my sex life, I thrive on independence and empowerment. I was once married to a man who tried to control and manipulate every aspect of my daily life, and it was a miserable four years of abusive arguments.

Suffice it to say that I don’t mix well with alfa males when they don’t respect my strong personality or my need for autonomy within a relationship.

But sexually, a man who knows how to be controlling, dominant, and even a bit rough in the bedroom leaves me wet and squirming with desire. Being taken, being grabbed and manhandled and fucked hard — it’s some of the hottest sex I’m able to experience, both physically and mentally.

I’ve always been drawn to rough sex — specifically from the submissive side. I’m incredibly turned on by, say, a man pinning me against a wall and pulling my hair as he slides his cock inside me, fucking me with strong, pounding thrusts, like he can’t get deep enough inside me.

This exchange of power — wherein a man admires my intelligence and capable decisionmaking outside of the bedroom but knows how to meet my needs by controlling me in the bedroom — applies to the art of fellatio as well.

In other words, I love a good face-fucking. And as a feminist, I stand by my right to love a good face-fucking.

Only because you know my body intimately, you know what I like, you know what I can take, and know that giving up the control I maintain all day gives me the most intense erotic pleasure, leading to my ultimate orgasmic release once it’s my turn.

The art of submission and giving head

There’s something comforting in getting on my knees and letting him take the lead with everything — depth, pace, angle, position, and so on. As long as all is consensual and we communicate about what we’re doing beforehand, it’s an intensely pleasurable sexual experience for me.

I’ve had one terrible experience with oral sex, and that was my very first blow job. It was non-consensual and caught me completely off guard, making me tense up to the point that I didn’t stop it.

This is sexual assault, which has nothing to do with my love of power exchange and consensual rough sex. Unfortunately, not everyone understands the difference between the two, so I have to lead with this disclaimer.

Yes, fuck my mouth while you pull my hair. Choke me with your cock until I gag. Use me for your pleasure until your come shoots down my throat — but only after we’ve communicated about it beforehand.

Only because you know my body intimately, you know what I like, you know what I can take, and know that giving up the control I maintain all day gives me the most intense erotic pleasure, leading to my ultimate orgasmic release once it’s my turn.

Bondage and blow jobs

I love kneeling on the floor, pleasing him orally with my wrists tied together. Tying the wrists in front is the hottest and most practical, as I can still bring my hands up to stroke his cock or play with his balls as he’s holding the back of my head and guiding himself between my lips.

I discovered my passion for bondage long ago, and it’s been one of my biggest kinks ever since. A rope, a tie, silk scarf, Velcro bonds, handcuffs — each of them bring a little something different as far as look and feel.

Metal cuffs will bite into my wrists just enough to create a little pleasurable pain, while a furry Velcro strap will be comfortable and feather-soft.

It’s all about what you’re in the mood for.

Image by Espressolia from Pixabay

Binding the wrists in front is also better because I’m able to have some control over how deep he goes — if I need to. While the idea is to let go completely, safety is a priority. I very much have a gag reflex, and while I like pushing that a little, I don’t want to puke all over him or find myself unable to breathe.

I’ve given a blow job with my hands tied behind my back as well, and it was certainly a thrill. It’s not impossible to do safely, but you have to be able to work out a non-verbal signal beforehand so you can communicate discomfort or if a hard limit has been crossed.

Upsidedown oral

One of my favorite submissive positions for giving a man oral is lying down on my back with my head hanging over the edge of the bed. Not unlike the upsidedown Spider-Man kiss, only it’s fellatio instead of kissing. This means my mouth will be upside down when taking his cock, with the head of his penis rubbing along the roof of my mouth as it makes its way to the back of my throat.

This angle changes things up a bit, allowing me to glide my tongue easily over the top side of his shaft as he thrusts in and out. I have access to his balls, and he gets a lovely visual of my naked form sprawled across the bed.

One of the best parts is how this gives his hands easy access to my body. I can work my tongue and hands on him while he massages my breasts, plays with my nipples, and rubs my clit to completion.

This position has a fantastic advantage because it allows us to both come, which isn’t hard for me to do at that point, as giving head is a major turn-on for me that can help me climax easier and faster.

But again, this is a position you have to take care to do safely. As with any rough or dominant/submissive sex, checking in is vital. Both parties have to consider things like neck strain and being careful that the receiver’s head isn’t in the upsidedown position for longer than is comfortable.

Dominant 69

For me, the 69 position will never go out of style. Even though I like some dominant fellatio, I prefer to be on top with this one. It’s just a matter of being able to breathe and avoiding a pair of testicles up the nostrils — not the most conducive to pleasure.

And, he can still be in control of the pace and depth even if he’s on the bottom, meeting my head bobbing by thrusting his hips up while he pleases me orally at the same time. If he also penetrates my vagina with his fingers while circling my clit with his tongue, it’s an amazing sensation.

It’s about my pleasure too

As I’ve mentioned, giving head turns me on, getting me hot and bothered enough to help me on my way to orgasm. I love knowing that I’m giving him pleasure, but at the same time, I want that pleasure too.

Equal opportunity pleasure.

To this end, I love to lie back in bed, my head on a comfy pillow, and turn on my side with him on his knees in front of me. In this position, he can grab my head or my hair and lift me up slightly, plunging himself into my mouth and controlling the motions while leaving one of his hands free to please me.

I love when he uses a vibrator on me in this position. Or, I can use one on myself. I can experience several shuddering climaxes while my moans of ecstasy are muffled by his cock. Having my mouth covered with a gag or my partner’s hand is a big kink of mine, and that same feeling can be translated to a cock shoved in my mouth as a muffle.

By using a vibrator with both a G-spot and clitoral stimulator, I come multiple times. And if we time it just right, we can come at the same time. Which is a pretty big indicator of successful partner communication. A team effort for sure.

Final thoughts

For some women, giving a blow job that is anything other than gentle isn’t a good time. And some prefer not to give blow jobs at all. We all have our turn-ons and our limits, and finding a partner who is compatible or willing to be compatible isn’t always easy.

I suspect I’m hardwired for rough play, and everyone’s threshold for that is different. What I find to be the perfect amount of force might be too gentle for the next person, and vice versa.

This is why partner communication and enthusiastic consent is key. When you have that worked out and you can get to know your partner’s style, the level of erotic intimacy you can achieve together is limitless.

Feature image by depositphotos on Stockphoto


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Monogamish Fear and Longing
Some of us want more — but how do we find it?

Vulva Mapping
For health, wellness, and pleasure

Pillow Talk with Emma Austin
A super sexy podcast reviewmedium.com

Categories
Sex

The Hottest Lingerie on Amazon

Dressing for sex can be a much-needed break from the routine


I have a fetish for lingerie.

I love the look of an itty bitty nightdress or the shaping power of a sexy corset. I get turned on by the feel of silky smooth stockings and garters. And the way lingerie highlights the curve of my breasts, thighs, and ass can take me from zero body confidence to feeling like a sex goddess.

There’s, of course, something to be said for ripping each other’s clothes off and going at it bare-ass naked, but sometimes the naked-only thing can get a little same-old.

Lingerie is a good way to help a couple break the routine. Taking the time to prepare for sex — to put actual effort into things like music, candles, twinkle lights, champagne, and a sexy outfit — can make sex seem like more of a special occasion.

Sure — I can appreciate that my hubby thinks rolling over and poking me with his erection when I’m half-asleep is “setting the mood,” but sometimes taking it up a notch can be nice.

My Favorite Sexy Basics

I don’t consider lingerie to be covering up. I consider it an artistic and sensual way to decorate my body for lovemaking. It’s a beautiful set of wrapping paper on a gift that’s about to be ripped open.

But as a full-time working mom on a budget, I’m not looking to break the bank for lingerie. There’s some great stuff out there that’s affordable and incredibly sexy.

If you don’t know a ton about lingerie but you’re interested in getting some for you or your partner, the decision-making can be a little overwhelming. There are so many varieties and types, and it’s all about personal style and what looks and feels good.

Even for someone like me, who loves to shop for it, the sheer amount of companies out there selling online makes it difficult to sift through the crap to get to the good stuff.

Here are a few of my favorites, with great reviews, that I would recommend.

1. The Sexy Nightdress

A sheer nightdress like this is somehow sweet and devilishly sexy at the same time. For someone with curves, like me, it’s flowy shape is super flattering. And the split at the upper thigh is a nice, erotic touch. It hugs the breasts and shows them off, but the cut is low enough so that the fabric can be pulled down and the nipples given their fair share of attention during foreplay and sex.

I love when I’m wearing something like this and my husband yanks it down because he just has to see and feel my breasts. It’s all part of the build-up. Anticipation can be a major turn-on.

Photo from Avidlove

2. The Garter Belt

The first time I ordered a garter belt, I had no clue what I was doing. I knew I wanted to start wearing them though. I love the vintage retro look, and I found it so much sexier than your ordinary pair of tights. I picked one from Amazon that looked good to me, along with a pair of thigh-highs, and hoped for the best.

Turns out there was no reason to be intimidated. As long as you get one that fits, it’s easy enough to work out how the metal clips attach to stockings. Even though it seems like more of a hassle, I find this setup more comfortable than pantyhose because everything stays in place.

The key to sex in a garter belt and thigh-highs? No underwear.

Photo from TVRtyle

3. Fishnet Stockings

Speaking of garter belts, you’ll want to get some thigh-highs to go with it. I’m a sucker for all kinds of stockings — I love different colors and patterns. But something about fishnet thigh-highs is super seductive to me.

Warning — don’t attempt to wear stockings for an evening out without the garter belt. Even if they claim to have a “stay up” silicone top, they will do anything but.

Photo from Leg Avenue

4. The Corset

The corset is a wonderful way to round out the garter belt and stockings duo (along with a hot pair of heels). But you could also just go with a corset and nothing else.

These can be intimidating if you’re shopping for one for the first time, especially online. But brands like this have an accurate size chart and tons of reviews from women who give specifics about how they fit.

The most difficult part is getting it on, but with a little effort, you can do it with the help of your partner or on your own. Ones like the underbust corset, pictured below, don’t cover the breasts. They accentuate and give a little boost, but leave them completely accessible. It’s a fun outfit — believe me.

Photo from ShaperX

5. Lace Kimono

I love a good robe. A completely see-through lace robe maybe isn’t the way to go when you have to throw something on to sign for a package (unless you have a thing for your FedEx guy), but where it lacks functionality, it makes up for in raw sex appeal.

This piece can be good for something like making your morning coffee, then fucking on the kitchen counter before you can hit the brew button because your partner is that turned on by the sight of your ass through the sheer fabric.

Photo from Avidlove

6. Satin Chemise Slip

This flirty little chemise is classic. It has fewer frills, it’s more comfortable, and its shape is flattering. I wear something like this to bed often — whether I’m planning for a night of sex or just cuddling up with a book or my vibrator (or both). So versatile.

Photo from Avidlove

7. One Piece Mini Bodysuit

This itty bitty scrap of lace is more like a tattoo than a piece of clothing, and that’s what I love about it. It barely covers anything and it’s mainly decorative — though the straps and bow can be tightened or loosened to shape your breasts a bit. The fabric is stretchy and comfortable, and there’s a wide variety of colors available on Amazon.

Photo from Avidlove

8. The Not-So-Sensible Matching Set

So maybe this isn’t the most sensible bra and underwear to put on for running errands or hitting the gym. But it can be nice to have a fun, frivolous set of floral lace panties and bra just for some sexy time fun. They’ll definitely last through a nice dinner and a bottle of wine, so they have that going for them. And I love that this particular set comes with a matching choker and attached garters. It’s really unique.

Photo from SheIn

9. Push UP Bra

Women with breasts of any size appreciate a good push-up bra. It amplifies the natural beauty we already have, and the level of bounce during love-making activities is greatly increased. I feel more feminine and curvy in one of these, and I love the look, especially the black-and-white stripes. How Tim Burton-esque.

Photo from FallSweet

10. Oversized Plain T

Sometimes the sexiest thing you can wear is a big T-shirt and nothing else. This screams comfort, yet has a fuck-me air about it, especially when you have nothing underneath.

Heels and lace definitely have their place, but a loose, baggy nightshirt feels cozy. Plus, there’s plenty of room for hands to roam everywhere.

Lingerie is Hot — and so is Variety

I don’t wear lingerie all that often, and I don’t think there’s a need to. But variety is the spice of good sex. Changing up what you do once in a while, even in simple ways, can make a big difference.

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Categories
Sex

A Gal’s Guide to Pleasurable Pegging


Flipping the script can feel amazing for both of you

There aren’t a lot of women out there writing how-to articles about the art of pegging. We’ll call it an art, as it can be an insanely pleasurable encounter for all involved if you take it slow at first and communicate clearly with your partner throughout.

To put it simply, pegging is when someone without a penis straps on a dildo and anally penetrates their partner.

I’ve written a story about how pegging can be sexually empowering for a woman, and it’s drawn a lot of questions from readers.

Being able to talk openly and honestly about sex is what I’m about, so I’m glad there are more dialogues happening — especially when it comes to things we want to explore but maybe are a little bit nervous about.

Pegging is definitely one of those more adventurous activities people tend to be nervous to try for the first time. It can be taboo and mysterious — a type of uncharted territory where gender roles are swapped.

The woman gets to experience what it’s like to become the penetrative partner, and the man experiences what it’s like to be on the receiving end — which can lead to a stronger orgasm for him thanks to the prostate stimulation that pegging allows.

It’s a beautiful head trip for a woman like me that can bring immense pleasure in and of itself — mentally and psychologically.

For you vulva owners out there: have you ever tried penetrating your partner with a strap-on? Have you ever taken control and dominated his body, hovering over him and giving him pleasure with every thrust?

Flipping the script in this way is something I highly recommend — just to get a sense of how the other side feels.

But pegging is more than just a way of connecting mentally. It can bring a ton of physical pleasure for the wearer of the strap-on as well.

I’ve had an intense orgasm while pegging my partner, which made it all the more enjoyable for both of us.

Pleasurable pegging for her

My male partner puts pegging at the top of his list of pleasurable activities. I’m pretty sure he’d be up for it any time I offer, and it’s something he’d like to do more of.

He’s shared with me that if he strokes himself to completion while being pegged, he experiences an incredibly intense orgasm.

But it’s also possible to orgasm while doing the pegging.

There are a few ways to achieve this.

1. Use a small vibrator that you can place between the strap-on and your clit.

When you’re first starting out and aren’t sure if you’ll both enjoy pegging, try this simple and economically friendly method before investing a big sum of money into a fancy vibrating harness or a hands-free clit stimulator/strap-on combo.

A bullet toy or mini-vibrator fits snugly between the base of the dildo and your clit. When I did this, I got some major stimulation with every stroke. And when I was close to the edge, I stayed still inside him while letting the orgasm flood through me. It was an unforgettable experience for both of us.

Although the bullet worked fine for me with a basic harness, there are also versions out there that have a nice little pocket for just this purpose.

2. Certain positions and angles

The position, angle, and pace all affect the way the trappings of the strap-on and harness rub against you. For example, lying full-length on your partner’s back while thrusting slowly into his ass is a good way to get some clitoral stimulation.

Doggie style can also work well, as you can easily change the pace and the angle at which you enter him.

Or, if he’s on his back, it can be easier to incorporate more of a circular grinding motion, ensuring your clit is getting some lovely friction.

Experiment with angles, positions, and rhythms that work well for you. And remember to check in with your partner often to make sure everything is feeling good.

3. Double-ended

There are so many fun double dildo devices out there just waiting to be explored. Every woman’s vagina is different, so it can be a bit of trial and error to find the shape and size that works best for you without the device slipping out constantly.

A lot of the double-ended dildos vibrate inside you for excellent G-spot stimulation. Some have a clitoral vibrator on the outside that loves on you with every stroke. There are even harnesses that come with a butt plug attachment — for the woman who loves a little booty stimulation while she goes to town on her partner.

Take a walk on the wild side and pick something that appeals to your pleasure zones. It can be a bit hit or miss, so don’t give up right away if something ends up not working out.

4. Foreplay

Coming before you start pegging (or getting very close to it) is a great way to keep the pleasure going for you as you simultaneously give pleasure to your partner. This past weekend, he generously went down on me until I came—and this was before we even touched the strap-on.

Then, he helped me into the device and tightened the harness until it was a perfect fit. It’s easier if your partner helps with this part. Plus, getting rigged up in and of itself can be a major turn-on. And the stunning visual can do a whole lot for all parties involved.

Enhance your sex life — and strengthen your bond

Many of us get pleasure simply by giving it. Making our partner all hot and bothered can, in turn, get us aroused and ready to go.

If you’re wondering how to get your partner interested in trying pegging (whether you’re the one pegging or being pegged), start with a simple conversation. Maybe you can send them an article on the topic (such as this one!), listen to a podcast, or watch a YouTube video together that covers the basic mechanics of Pegging 101, like this fabulous and informative video from Sexplanations.

Go slow, use more lube than you think you need, and constantly check-in. If you’re the one wearing the strap-on, remember that’s it’s not actually a part of your body and you can’t feel what you’re doing when you’re inside your partner. This is where talking is crucial for safety.

Start slow and learn what your partner likes by having them guide you. Do they want you to go deeper, faster, or slower? Keep the communication going.

My partner happens to like an intense and fast pegging, doggie style, as he strokes himself. It’s one of the most challenging workouts I’ve ever experienced. Because fucking someone is really a lot of work — and it’s toning a set of muscles you’ve never used before!

Be safe and have fun while pegging. It can improve your relationship dynamic, strengthen your communication skills, and enhance your sex life.

You can find more of my work at medium.com/@holly.bradshaw


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Categories
Relationships Sex

Monogamish Fear and Longing

Some of us want more — but how do we find it?


The pace of my sexual development can best be described as sloth-like. I was slow to the sex game. A late bloomer.

I’ve been the prude. I’ve been the teenage girl who feared God would smite her if she touched a boy’s private parts — or her own.

I’ve been the girl who enjoyed making out but harbored a major phobia of penises. Then my husband-to-be came along and shoved my face on his dick when I was drunk. What a Prince Charming.

As a teen, I was hell-bent on not having intercourse until after I was married. Part of the reason my four-year marriage was so calamitous is that I hated sex with my husband.

Boy, if my ex knew that nowadays I yearned to explore adventures in non-monogamy while in a long-term relationship, he’d flip his lid. I guess being understanding and not pushing a woman into something she’s not ready for does a lot for helping her sexuality grow and flourish.

That’s what I’m learning now in my ten-year relationship with a caring and compassionate man.

A certain desire

It was maybe a couple of years ago that I started yearning for something I couldn’t quite explain. Something…more.

I never desire leaving my partner. I find no fault in him — nothing specifically wrong with us as a couple that needs fixing.

Yet I feel a growing need that isn’t being met.

I’ve always loved connecting with members of the opposite sex. I like talking with interesting men. Flirting with them. I like figuring out what makes them tick psychologically.

I know now that I love variety. I crave it. I’m attracted to different men in different ways and for different reasons, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

I also know that when I’m into a person, it’s not all about sex. I like to ask questions. I like to be asked questions. I like to have conversations. It’s deeper than sex, though there doesn’t have to be an exclusive 24/7 relationship. I want the intellectual-sexual-human connection.

I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m really not into monogamy. And my long-term partner is aware. We’ve chatted about it here and there, though we haven’t taken any, what you might call, actionable steps.

Through no fault of his own, I want something he can’t possibly provide.

He can’t magically multiply himself into several different real people of varying ages with varying interests and experiences. No human person can.

Non-monogamous longings and labels

My partner is more than enough within himself. I love and desire him.

But I want other men too.

Mostly men, and possibly other women…

I’m passionate as hell, and my desires run deep. Fantasies alone aren’t enough to quench my thirst as of late.

There are several different avenues I’d like to explore at some point. And though I don’t insist on the need for labels, they’re helpful when it comes to beginning to understand various forms of non-monogamy and what appeals to me.

Threesome

I want to bring another person into our sexual play. My preference would be to have another man on board. When I masturbate, I often imagine being penetrated vaginally by one man while another fucks my mouth with his cock.

I use the dreaded passive voice on purpose. Being in the submissive role, having things done to me, is an extreme turn-on. In my fantasy, you’d find me on my back, my wrists bound and secured above my head.

The man fucking my mouth would be kneeling beside my head, pulling on my hair as I pleasured him. The man between my legs would be thrusting slowly at first, then faster and harder, all the while stimulating my nipples with one of his hands and using a small vibrator on my clit with the other, making me come over and over again. My moans of pleasure would be muffled by the cock between my lips.

But I’m open to having an experience with another woman as well. I’m open to watching her be with my partner sexually. I’m also open to performing oral sex on a woman for the first time, but that idea is the most intimidating, I think.

Open relationship

I have several male friends I’ve come to know and care for (and been ridiculously attracted to). Many of whom I’d love to experience sexually. And it keeps happening. I keep meeting interesting men. Men who are great to talk to, great to connect with. When I feel physical attraction mixed with mental attraction, it’s an intoxicating cocktail.

I don’t want to cheat, though I’m sometimes seriously tempted to the point that it tears me apart.

And I don’t want to leave my partner — he’s my ultimate and I’m secure in the knowledge that I wouldn’t want to jump ship.

But I do want to date and have sex with other men once in a while. With my partner’s approval. I’d give him the same courtesy, of course. But this is something he is particularly wary of.

Swinging

I’d like to swing with the couple I’ve recently fallen for. The four of us have become close and get along so well. Whenever we go out together, it’s a fun dynamic and we all laugh a lot. We have a lot of the same interests. We’ve been friends for about four months, and both my partner and I really enjoy them.

I’m especially attracted to my friend’s husband, but I care for her dearly and would never want to hurt her by bringing the topic up. Who knows how the hell one does something like that?

Of course, what I want to experience with them might be more in the realm of polyamory versus swinging, as emotions are involved. I don’t think I could swing with other couples without experiencing emotions and building relationships…

Kinkster — voyeur and participant

You can certainly be kinky in a monogamous relationship, but I’d like to explore experiences outside what goes on between me and my partner. I want to go to a club or dungeon together and watch people play in a BDSM setting. Voyeurism is another major turn-on for me.

I think I want to be played with in public too. I can see myself standing upright with my hands tied to a beam, breasts exposed, and made to orgasm over and over again in front of a small crowd until I’m brought to the brink of insanity. I’d be wearing thigh-highs and a corset and lace panties that get pushed aside or ripped away…

But I’m not so much an exhibitionist. I’m sexually shy and super self-conscious, though the challenge of experiencing something like being mostly naked and pleasured in a public setting has an appeal. A scary, delicious appeal.

Polyamory

I’m polyamorous in the sense that I know I’m capable of falling in love with more than one person. And falling for someone else doesn’t diminish the love I feel for my partner either. At the moment, you might say I’m capable of falling in infatuation with more than one person, as I haven’t pushed it any farther than that.

Monogamish?

Well fuck, I just want to be able to have everything I want, whatever that is. And I want my partner to be cool with that.

Not at all complicated, right?

Joking aside, part of the problem is I’m not exactly sure what I want. I’m also afraid I maybe want too much. Feelings of sexual shame from my upbringing and organized religion pop up. I also fear hurting others and going about things the wrong way.

It’s difficult to go against society’s rules of a traditional relationship when you’re hardwired to be a considerate rule-follower. There’s also the notion that you have to define your own rules when going down this path, but how can we do that when we don’t know what the hell we’re even doing?

If my sex and relationship journey were a rowboat, you could say I’ve slowly drifted away from one end of the relationship pond — that shore being absolute monogamy — and have somewhat clumsily and unskillfully rowed toward the other extreme — lawless relationship anarchy.

Somewhere along the way there is voyeurism. A threesome with the perfect unicorn. Swinging with a couple I adore. Open relationships. Polyamory. I sort of want to stop at all of them. Right now I’m stuck in the pond, bogged down by a huge mess of cattails that feel impossible to chop through.

Of course, I don’t expect any given relationship or sexual adventure to be perfect. I’m aware this is real life, and such endeavors will always include challenges. But I long for such a challenge, because it would be worth it to not have to look back and kick myself for never pursuing my desires, my needs.

Falling somewhere in the middle of two extremes, it’s difficult to find my footing. When you want something more, or someone else, but you don’t know how that looks like or how to go about it, you find yourself stuck in a perpetual state of indecision and yearning.

I know I want meaningful, emotionally connected, fun, human, and — yes — sexual experiences with others.

And I know it typically doesn’t just happen. You have to reach for it.


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Relationships Sex

My Boyfriend Told Me He Wants to Give Other Men Oral

Navigating our sexual evolution as a couple


Recently, my good friend Gabby and I finally got together for dinner and drinks after syncing up our too-busy schedules. We talked about the usual over my white wine and her Moscow mule. What I’d been up to, the new woman she was dating, how neither of us could stay out too late or drink too much because we both had to work early in the morning.

Fast forward to sometime around midnight, our second bar of the evening, four or five drinks in. We were analyzing each other’s sex lives, as we like to do, and that’s when I decided to seek her wise counsel.

I shared my wandering thoughts regarding something my partner and I had discussed on several different occasions. There were a few reasons it felt right, one of them being her experience with exploring her sexuality and eventually coming out as a lesbian to her friends and family.

I prefaced it by explaining I was about to reveal some pretty personal info that wasn’t exactly mine to share. But I didn’t know where else to turn. And I trusted her.

“I’m pretty sure my boyfriend wants to have sex with men,” I blurted out. “I think he’s bisexual.”

She raised an eyebrow and took another drink, the corners of her lips drifting upward in a subtle smile.

Honesty time

When I met my partner, it was literally love at first sight. Depending on your perspective, it could be considered lust at first sight, but the second after we were introduced to each other, there was an intense emotional/intellectual connection as well as a physical one.

It’s safe to say that it was love and lust at first sight.

We were extremely hot and heavy for years, and it was the most intense connection I’d ever experienced with a man.

There are a million stories I would love to write about how we got where we are, but this is the one I’m focused on at present. It’s the state of our sexual relationship as it is today — which is evolving.

Our first eight years together, I had no inclination that my partner might be sexually interested in men. None at all. He was too busy getting into my pants and making me feel like the most tempting goddess of sex in all the universe.

He didn’t tell me about his past experience with a guy until much later, and I learned that he’s never spoken about it to any of his other female partners before me.

He told me of his secret encounter while we were in bed one night, post-sex. By this point, things had slowed down for us as a couple sexually, and I’d just started exploring my own sexual awakening. This was a couple years ago when I was starting to realize that monogamy was, maybe, not my default.

I’d been slowly letting him in on my growing interest in threesomes, open relationships, and polyamory. It was a time in our relationship when we were talking about sex and fantasies more than we were having sex.

I had just shared with him that, if it was something he wanted, I’d be open to inviting another woman to join us, even though the idea of sex with a woman isn’t a huge turn-on for me. But if the right situation came along, and we all felt safe with consensual exploration, it’s an experience I wouldn’t want to miss.

My strong preference, however, would be to invite another man to join us. I fantasize about a wild and intense threesome where two men are giving me all of the attention.

Lo and behold, my revelations encouraged him to reveal one of his own. That night, for no particular reason I can discern, he felt comfortable sharing a same-sex experience he’d had in high school. He’d given one of his male friends oral sex. And he admitted that, even after twenty-plus years of never acting on feelings of same-sex attraction, they were still there.

A secure man can be vulnerable

I was totally surprised. This man was the best kisser I’d ever been with, the best giver of oral sex, and the one who could make love to me until I was in a spellbinding, orgasmic daze. But just because he was very skilled with a woman’s body didn’t mean he couldn’t be skilled with a man’s. My being a female never seemed to be a turn-off for him, so I assumed he was bisexual.

A survey of LGBT Americans from the Pew Research Center found that while 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians say the important people in their lives know of their sexual orientation, just 28% of bisexuals say the same.

This lines up with the fact that my partner has never admitted it to anyone else, and he never even told me until we had eight years under our belt.

Back when we first started talking about his sexual attraction to men, he wouldn’t attach a label to it, and I didn’t either. It was new, it was interesting, it was exciting. I never knew he was so sexually open-minded. We were evolving together.

How many women have told their male partners about experimenting with a woman sexually, or just wondering what it would be like? How many men would confide their same-sex experience or curiosity to their female partners?

Mine would. He would trust me enough to let me in. And I love that about him. I was happy that he felt safe telling me something he had never felt safe enough to tell anyone else.

And I think once he learned how accepting/encouraging I was, he found it easier to talk about.

And boy, did he talk.

Aural sex

My partner can be extremely vocal when we’re being intimate. Talking about various sexual scenarios intensifies his orgasm. Eventually, he felt comfortable enough to talk about what he’d like to do with another man.

And he wanted me to talk about it too. I admit, I get a little shy when it comes to dirty talk. Sometimes I’m in the mood to just shut up and get down to the action. Plus, he’s far better at the talking than I am.

But I know he absolutely loves it when I participate and paint a verbal picture for him, so from time to time, I’ll give it my best effort. I know the idea of fellating a man still turns him on, and sometimes we’ll talk about that.

Other times we talk about him watching me and one of my girlfriends. Or, one of his favorites, me pegging him with a strap-on while he gives a male guest a blow job.

I confess, there was a point when, while discussing different hypothetical scenes, I started feeling less turned on and more insecure. Was I enough for him? Was he more into men, or maybe just into men? Did he need to fantasize about a man in order to get off with me? Was my lack of external genitalia becoming a problem now that he’d opened up about this hidden part of his sexuality?

Maybe I even felt like I was in competition with him, on some weird imaginary level that has yet to happen. If we finally do feel adventurous enough to invite a man into a threesome, I wanted to be the one giving blow jobs while being fucked. Now, I realize, I might have to wait in line.

I’m incredibly submissive when it comes to sex. And I think my partner might be as well. Maybe labels have their drawbacks, but in my case, I think I’d find them helpful.

Evolving together

Despite some of my worries, which I’m pretty sure are rooted in insecurity and have no real foundation when it comes to my partner’s love for me, the fact remains that we’re definitely not bored as a couple. And, I like to give blow jobs too, so I can see where he’s coming from.

If a couple starts to get bored, stops exploring their ever-changing sexual desires, or, worst of all, stops communicating — they’re in trouble.

Somehow, I think my partner and I are just beginning. We’re like an upgraded version of what we were before, and I look forward to where this new platform will take us.


I shared all this with my trustworthy friend on a Friday night in a dark corner of a hole-in-the-wall bar. Interestingly enough, when she found out my partner loved pegging, her eyes lit up.

Gabby has never enjoyed being penetrated by a man, but she does feel attraction to men, and pegging is something she’s very much into.

Later that night, when I went home to my partner and straddled him, I explained everything Gabby and I had discussed.

I know he wants to invite Gabby in, and the fact that she knows about this part of him seemed to flip a switch. That night while we made love, he was very vocal about what he wanted the three of us to do together.

Honestly, Gabby’s the one friend I think I’d feel comfortable with bringing into our first threesome, though that night is the closest she and I have ever come to touching on that topic. Though we both flirt with each other shamelessly, we’ve never so much as kissed.

The question still remains: Will my partner and I act on our fantasies, or do we keep them wrapped in a nice, safe bubble that we take out and play with on occasion, when we’re in the mood for a little aural stimulation?

I’m excited to find out.


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Relationships Sex

I Finally Lost My Anal Virginity

Here’s how I gained a whole new world of pleasure


After multiple failed attempts over the last four years or so, I finally lost my anal virginity. It just happened this past weekend.

And it went well. Very well.

I didn’t even know Anal August was a thing until afterward when I started writing — but what perfect timing!

Ever since leaving a marriage where sex had become a nightmare, I’ve been on a kick of exploring my sexual self.

Escaping a mentally and sometimes sexually abusive relationship left me free to discover who I was as an independent woman. I went from associating sex with feelings of emotional turmoil to falling in love with a partner who taught me it can be pleasurable, passionate, and adventurous — when you’re with the right person.

For me, being sexually adventurous means exploring uncharted territory. Finding new and exciting ways of enhancing pleasure for my partner and myself.

One such territory is anal. But — (giggles) — no longer is butt sex uncharted for this sexual explorer. Hubby and I have successfully mapped that Wild West.

And I must say, I’d do it again.

New, different, and incredibly hot

One very important thing we had neglected during previous attempts was making sure I was truly ready to go. We’d have a little foreplay — a good bit of it focused on making him hard and ready — but not enough for me.

I think that’s the defining difference of why I was able to be fully penetrated this time: we made sure I climaxed first. Lots of kissing on my lips and on my neck. Lots of massaging my breasts and stimulating my nipples with both his tongue and fingers.

We used my vibrator that includes both G-spot and clitoral stimulation, and he watched me make myself come while he continued massaging my breasts. It was a super intense orgasm — so I was very much aroused and relaxed down there when I turned over on my belly.

Face down, ass up was the position I was comfortable trying. We started with a small butt plug first, then a bigger dildo with a base (super important with anal). It was longer than the butt plug, but still slimmer than his cock.

He inserted the toy slowly, with my clear communication for guidance on whether to keep going or not.

And this is the newest tidbit of information I found that helped me learn how to enjoy anal without hurting. Though it might seem counter-intuitive, bearing down and actually pushing out during penetration allows you to relax that ring of muscle.

That’s what I focused on with my ass in the air. We got the toy all the way in, and I used my little bullet vibrator on my clit at the same time. The sensation was different, but good. I still felt very full and stimulated, like with vaginal sex, but in a new and different place. Using the bullet vibe along with anal penetration was wonderful.

After a few minutes of the dildo, we moved to his larger, thicker cock. There was a more intense pressure, and only a tiny bit of pain at the first initial penetration. He used plenty of lube, and I again guided him with my voice. He had to go a little slower than with the dildo, but once he was all the way in, I again felt that full, pleasurable feeling.

And then he was fucking my ass. Slowly, then a little bit faster.

I was playing with my clit and being fucked in the ass for the very first time — and I was loud as hell in response to the pleasure. It was truly wild. We even managed to try a different position — he guided me down to lie flat on my stomach, his cock still inside me, and started prone-boning me with my legs closed, my muscles gripping his cock extra tight.

It felt pretty amazing.

Preparation is key

Forward planning was necessary to make it happen for me. Not just the night of, but leading up to it. Though I was always open to anal sex because my partner was interested, after a couple of failed attempts I thought maybe it just wasn’t physically possible for me.

But after plenty of time had passed since our previous attempt, I got curious again.

I wanted to know why some women enjoyed it, and I couldn’t seem to even be penetrated. The two times we tried, it was far too painful. I wasn’t relaxed or aroused enough, and my body became this impenetrable fortress that wouldn’t allow entry, no matter how I tried to make it happen.

It’s important to say that I received absolutely zero pressure from Hubby for us to keep trying. I knew the thought of it drove him crazy though. He’s an ass man, and his pleausure was indeed a motivator for me.

About a third of women say they find anal penetration pleasurable, according to a study for the National Institutes of Health, and I made it my personal mission to see if I could too. I knew there were probably some steps we had skipped and could try to incorporate, so I started doing some serious anal sex research.

I read articles and listened to sex podcasts directed toward women and couples. Some amazing and informative references that helped me in my academic anal pursuits are The 3 Best Positions for Great Anal Sex by Emma Austin, How to Make Anal Sex Less Intimidating by Demeter deLune, and the Shameless Sex podcast.

I didn’t learn until recently that you have two sets of muscle (external and internal sphincters) that need to relax and stretch open to allow entry.

“While you can control your external sphincter (skeletal muscle) consciously, the internal sphincter (smooth muscle) is not under voluntary control, and may need some additional coaxing to relax.”

Top Tips for More Pleasurable Bottoming, Jason Wong, PT, DPT

Learning this was key, because it finally hit home that I can’t just have anal sex because I will it to happen. I learned that my body needs some extra warming up, a bit of stretching with some toys, and an orgasm or two before he penetrates me.

Third time’s a charm!

Even though I thought I hated anal sex or wasn’t capable of it, I realized that for some, like me, it’s just a matter of learning about your body and knowing how to prepare. The result is discovering new pleasure zones I’d never felt before.

Here’s what I would recommend to anyone thinking of being on the receiving end of anal sex.

  1. Preparation. Confession: I have anxiety around germs and poo during sex. I don’t like the idea of getting messy back there, and it’s something that can really affect my body’s ability to relax. What helped me with this was knowing I’d gone to the bathroom that morning. I ate light that day. And, during my shower just before we fucked, I placed my finger in my bum, which assured me things were nice and tidy. Knowing this beforehand really helps if you’re an anxious gal like me.
  2. Foreplay. Lots of foreplay. I need to come before I’m penetrated. Once, at the very least. (More is better!)
  3. Lube, lube, lube. I love the feeling of it on my skin, and it’s a step you can’t skip or replace with saliva.
  4. Patience and communication. Go slow. Talk. Check in. Always be clear about what’s working and what isn’t.
  5. Understand it might not work out. And both partners need to be completely cool with it if it doesn’t. You don’t only have to give it one chance — you can try again later if you want to. Sometimes practice makes perfect!

As good as everything felt (and it felt really fucking good), neither of us got to come this first time. I had pretty much desensitized my clit from all the battery-operated stimulation I’d been giving it for a good while up to the anal sex.

And he didn’t get to come in my ass, as he sometimes will lose his erection if he waits too long to finish. So all the preparation and warm-up is absolutely necessary, but it’s going to be tricky for us to work out the timing for both of our unique bodies.

But the experience was immensely hot and has opened a whole new world of pleasure for us — so I see it as a successful new venture! I think with some practice, we’ll get the hang of it.


Categories
Sex

I’m a Feminist Who Shaves Her Pubic Hair

It’s not because the patriarchy brainwashed me


Some women choose not to remove their body hair. Some prefer the natural state of their pubic, underarm, or leg hair. And some refuse to shave as an act of rebellion against the patriarchy or societal standards of beauty.

I’m of the belief that anyone can do what they like with their pubic hair. It’s a personal decision whether you shave, trim, or go natural — but the biggest priority is that you’re happy, healthy, and comfortable in your body.

I don’t base my decision to remove my hair on any outside persuasion. I base it on what I want for my body.

I truly respect and appreciate a woman’s choice to shave or not shave for whatever reason she sees fit. Some have had the experience of being oppressed or forced or pressured into shaving, so I understand the need to go against the grain.

I see my shaved lady parts as an act of feminism because it’s what I want. I’m grateful I have the freedom to tune out what anyone else thinks, and I don’t care if it’s looked down on by some as the popular choice or the slutty “porn look” choice or the patriarchy-approved choice.

It’s my choice.

To me, that’s feminism. Independent thought, and being valued enough and liberated enough to do whatever you damn well please with your body hair.

I shave my legs because growing the hair out exacerbates my eczema. I shave under my arms because it feels more comfortable. And I shave my pubic hair for a number of different reasons, all of which involve my comfort, sexual pleasure, and personal preference.

My grooming habits are based on what I want. Expectations put in place by society don’t factor in the decision. No, I’m not brainwashed by the patriarchy or razor companies. I simply do what I like with my body.

Not shaving my body hair just to stick it to the patriarchy (even though I prefer shaving for all sorts of personal reasons) would be just as problematic as shaving because society tells me to.

Some men love a woman who shaves her outer vulva. Other men prefer or even need at least some pubic hair on a woman. I’ve had an ex-boyfriend tell me that a shaved woman doesn’t seem sophisticated or worldly enough, and that there should be some hair down there so that she’s more “sexually appealing.”

That’s a personal preference that works for him, but it’s just not for me.

I just groom my vulva the way I like.

And I like it smooth.

Discovering my personal preference

I’ve read many articles online on the matter of female body hair. Probably more than any one person needs to read. Some of them hint at or outright describe shaving as a shameful, self-hating activity that we do only because it’s the way we’ve been programmed.

But I think it’s all about doing what’s right for you. Do you love the feel of your freshly shaved legs against your bedsheets? Or against the skin of your lover’s hand?

Do you love the curl and thickness of your pubic hair? Does it make you feel more feminine, more sexually confident, more whole?

No matter what anyone thinks, do what you love.

Not shaving my body hair just to stick it to the patriarchy (even though I prefer shaving for all sorts of personal reasons) would be just as problematic as shaving because society tells me to.

Once I was old enough to have plenty of hair on my pubic region, I never felt pressure from anyone to shave. My mom didn’t suggest it, and none of the razor commercials of ladies performing synchronized swim routines in colorful bathing suits made me feel pressured one way or another.

What I did get frustrated with, however, was how my tuft of hair would become increasingly difficult to keep clean when I got my period.

Before I learned to use tampons, my dark, thick curls would get tangled in the blood of a soaked pad, and dry toilet paper did little to help the issue. I eventually started using tampons, but I played a lot of sports and still had plenty of mess and sweat to deal with.

I wasn’t a fan of the coarse feeling whenever I touched it, either. I didn’t like the smell, especially during that time of the month (even though I bathed each night). And I didn’t like the stray hairs sprouting out every which direction from my underwear.

I decided my feelings on my hairy lady parts before anyone told me to, before I saw porn, and before I ever had sex. Boyfriends didn’t see me naked until I was 17, so I’d had plenty of time to come to the conclusion naturally.

And then, I discovered sex. And, especially, my love of oral sex. Now, as a full-fledged adult who very much enjoys sex, I’ve found more reasons to love my smoothly shaved pleasure zone.

Increased sensation and pleasure

The feel of my partner’s hands or tongue or penis against my vulva is far more pleasurable when I’m shaved.

I love the skin-on-skin contact. The warmth and wetness of his tongue directly on my sensitive folds, the feel of his fingers exploring my exposed self. I can more thoroughly enjoy a friction-free vaginal massage. And I love the glorious sensation of smooth, silky lube down there.

Without pubic hair, my sensation and pleasure increases. It helps me not only have more intense orgasms, but more orgasms in general.

A better experience giving oral

There’s no double standard here. My preference for shaved genitals goes for any gender of the person I’m pleasuring.

I’m a big fan of giving partners as much pleasure as I can. Arousing them arouses me, and that’s one reason why I’m such a big fan of performing oral sex.

If my male partner has pubic hair, it’s more difficult to properly lick and suck his balls. And it’s a lot less sexy when hair is constantly scraping against my tongue or getting caught in the back of my throat. Nothing breaks the mood like stopping at the peak of pleasure to hack up a few stray hairs.

Easier to keep clean

I’ll probably get some pushback on this one especially. First of all, I understand and agree that there are absolutely no health benefits to shaving, and that having pubic hair is not in any way unhygienic. You can be perfectly clean with a full bush. In the same way, you can be smooth as a rose petal and not practice good hygiene habits.

However, I’m able to maintain cleanliness more easily by staying shaved. There’s a lot going on down there for me. Sweat, my own sexy juices, blood, urine — it’s a busy place. Add the fact that I’m a runner to the equation.

I like that I don’t have to take the time to thoroughly wash another set of hair in the shower. All I need is a relaxing swipe or two from my sudsy bath loofah on my bare skin, and I’m good to go.

I feel more sexually confident

I simply love the beautiful aesthetic of my shaved vulva. Even though I know the bare look isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, it happens to be more visually appealing to me.

But it’s not just about what’s on the surface. I also feel sexier when I’m shaved. Removing my pubic hair fully exposes my most feminine and private parts. You can more easily see my labia, my clit, my vaginal opening. Even when my legs are closed, I like the look of that telling line at the beginning of my slit — it opens to a world of my femininity and pleasure.

Baring myself naked in this way, as naked and exposed and vulnerable as I can be, gives me a thrill. Perhaps it’s the exhibitionist in me?

I Don’t Have a “Patriarchal Pussy”

My preference to shave isn’t a result of feeling shame. I’ve not been shaped or stifled by a culture of patriarchy and commercial beauty standards. I understand that has been some women’s experience — and that’s a problem we need to address by being more open and not judgemental of women’s bodies. It simply hasn’t been my experience.

I don’t spend much on razors. For my legs, I actually get a better shave with a set of Lady Bics (about $5 for a set of ten, which lasts me three months or more).

I’m saving plenty of time and money on the fact that I literally never get a manicure, rarely paint my own nails, don’t often visit the salon, and typically don’t wear makeup more than once or twice a week. Because, again, it’s not really about societal beauty standards or practices pushed upon me, it’s about what I like to do with my body.

I also don’t spend a lot of time or money maintaining my pubic hair. I prefer using an electric shaver that’s actually meant for beards. It’s quick, easy, and gentle on my skin. While I do get bumps and shaving if I use a mechanical razor, I don’t get them with the electric one, because it’s not as close of a shave.

So to anyone considering the question of beauty and body hair and what it means to our identity: we’re all entitled to follow our own path. Enjoy the freedom to shave or not shave. Do what brings you joy, pleasure, health, and happiness.


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Categories
Sex

Using a Vibrator for Better Sex

Bringing toys into the relationship can maximize both pleasure and intimacy

Vibrators are tons of fun for solo play, as many of us are well aware. But if you’ve yet to experience how absolutely amazing they are for partner sex, you’re missing out on an entire world of untapped pleasure.

Specifically, you’re missing out on some incredible orgasms. The knee-wobbling, breathtaking, rock-you-to-the-core kind of orgasms. Though it may seem like bringing a toy between you and your partner could make things less intimate, it’s actually the exact opposite. Incorporating a vibrator encourages pleasure-positive dialogue among couples.

If you’re like me — a woman who has never been able to orgasm from penetration alone — then you’re in good company. Those of us who need clitoral stimulation in order to climax are part of a large group: we’re the seventy-five percenters. According to an analysis of over 33 studies over the past 80 years, only a quarter of vulva-owners can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone.

Sure, having your partner go down on you is an amazing, beautiful thing. And of course, the stimulating use of his fingers has its own unique appeal. But you don’t want to limit your avenues of orgasmic pleasure.

I absolutely love the feeling of coming while being penetrated by my partner. And, I love being able to do that multiple times in one session.

A vibrator can help us easily achieve all of this and more.

Though it may seem like bringing a toy between you and your partner could make things less intimate, it’s actually the exact opposite. Incorporating a vibrator encourages pleasure-positive dialogue among couples.

Choose empowerment over insecurity

Maybe you’ve never introduced toys into couple’s play. Or maybe you’ve used a vibrator with previous partners, but have yet to do so with your current one. Perhaps you’re single and enjoying casual sex, but a vibrator seems like too much if you haven’t been with the person before.

I’m a prime example of someone who used to be super shy about putting my sexual needs out there. It took me a long time to get comfortable enough with my body to accept that I deserved just as much pleasure from sex as my male partner experienced.

If you can relate to my shy, awkward, insecure feelings when I first started exploring how to make sex better for me, I’m here to tell you that it’s definitely worth it to power through. We can’t help how we feel, but we can help how we respond.

Don’t let fear or sexual shame stop you from experiencing all the pleasure you can. And don’t be so worried about hurting your partner’s feelings that you avoid bringing it up.

If a man feels intimidated by a vibrator rather than the much more sensible reaction of sheer exhilaration that you’re going to get even more pleasure out of sex with him, there needs to be some communication to break down that irrational barrier.

Vibrators are to sex like icing is to cake. You can make a cake without any frosting, sure. But that sweet, decadent frosting is what we’re here for.

The hottest positions for vibrator sex

Depending on the position, certain vibrators work better because they fit between you and your partner more easily — like a bullet, mini wand, or a wearable finger vibrator. For other positions, you can experiment with bigger, more powerful wands or dildos with external, vibrating clitoral stimulation.

There are some really great devices out there nowadays made specifically for partner play, like hands-free vibes designed to stay in place during sex. Try different things and have fun discovering what you like best. Personally, I’ve come to find that you don’t have to spend a lot to get the same earth-shattering orgasms.

Here are some of my favorite ways to use a vibrator with a partner.

1. Missionary sex

Missionary has always been extremely hot to me, never boring. Even before I used a vibrator during sex, I loved the intimacy missionary allows. My partner can do so much in this position: he can lock eyes with me, kiss me deeply, suck my nipples or tease them with his tongue, pull my hair and suck on my neck or nibble on my ear — all why thrusting into me either hard and deep or torturously slow.

And when we place a vibrator between us, I go absolutely fucking crazy — in the best possible way. A small bullet vibrator works perfectly for missionary. I ordered a sleek metal one online for about thirteen bucks that packs an incredible punch.

He can fuck me at such an angle that it stays on my clit without either of us having to hold it there as his shaft moves in and out. When he’s fully inside me, the pressure of the vibe becomes more intense. Eventually, the intermittent pressure of a lesser vibration when he slides out and a more intense vibe when he’s buried deep builds to an incredible orgasm, and it’s all hands-free.

If I come before he does, I can go again. And the feel of his continued thrusting after I’ve climaxed intensifies my orgasm and makes the waves of pleasure carry on longer.

As a bonus, he loves the feel of my vaginal walls tightening around his cock when I come, and he often says as much out loud when we’re going at it. (This goes for any position that allows for simultaneous fucking and vibing.)

2. Doggy style

Doggy style goes from feeling nice to absolutely fucking incredible with a vibrator against my clit. The position allows for deeper, harder penetration at a pleasurable angle. He can pull my hair or grab and squeeze my hips hard, and I come within minutes, giving me enough time to come again — if he can last long enough. (My partner, a self-proclaimed ass man, LOVES this position. So sometimes, if it’s been a while, he comes a little earlier than his usual, and I truly don’t blame him.)

There is also the added benefit of using a larger vibrator in this position. It can really be any type of vibrator, as long as you can hold it with one hand and balance yourself on all fours with the other. So get creative.

3. Prone bone

The difference in sensations is really something when we vibe in this position. If I’m being fucked while lying on my belly with my closed thighs squeezing my partner’s cock, my clitoris isn’t as exposed. It’s especially helpful if I’ve already orgasmed once and my clit is extra sensitive. I can place a smaller vibe between me and the bed, grinding on it as he thrusts.

It’s quite glorious.

4. Spooning

Using a vibrator while spooning can leave a gal utterly blissed out in no time. My breasts and neck and mouth are available to him if I hold the toy. It’s also fun to let him hold it against me while I lift my upper leg and hook it around his waist. I love to look over my shoulder and kiss while we’re doing this. Kissing and fucking and coming — all at the same time — is the ultimate.

Thanks, vibrator.

5. Blow job

Blow jobs turn me on anyway — but I certainly don’t achieve orgasm through a blow job alone. Giving him pleasure gets me all hot and bothered though, so I get super warmed up and wet while I work him with my mouth. Adding a vibrator to that is a guaranteed orgasm for me.

Sometimes I’ll hold it to my clit while I suck on him, keeping one hand free to massage his balls. Other times I’ll kneel next to him on the bed, blowing him from the opposite direction (my ass near his face), and he’ll hold it between my legs for me. This way, I can pay more attention to his cock with both of my hands and my mouth.

It’s also pretty fun to assume the 69 position. While I give him head, he can fuck me with his tongue and uses a smaller vibrator at the same time. The possibilities are many.

6. Cowgirl/reverse cowgirl

As much as being submissive turns me on, my partner loves it when I’m on top. I’m pretty enthusiastic about it too when a powerful toy is involved.

It’s so easy in the forward cowgirl position to place it between my clit and his lower abdomen. I can ride him at my preferred speed and angle, grinding against the vibrator with the added pleasure of his cock filling me. It’s important to note that while I’ve never come from penetration alone, the feel of it really adds to my pleasure.

He’s let me know he can feel the vibrations as well and loves the sensation, so it’s added pleasure all around.

7. All tied up

This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but one of my absolute favorite things to experience during sex is feeling powerless against someone who is delivering pleasure to my body.

When my partner and I ordered under-the-bed restraints, I got to experience that feeling in a way that was more realistic and palpable. I always loved when he grabbed my wrists in his hand and put them above my head, but with the restraint system, he cuffed each of my wrists at the top corners of the bed, and each of my ankles at the bottom corners. This left me completely exposed with my legs spread wide open.

First, he made me come with just a vibrator and two fingers inside me. For the second orgasm, he entered me with his cock and used the vibrator on me at the same time. I had to communicate how hard I wanted it, how powerful I needed the vibrations to be. I was physically powerless, totally exposed, but communicating vocally. And I was screaming (the good kind) by the end of it.

8. Pegging

Pegging is something my partner really enjoys. A while back, we bought a small dildo and harness and tried it for the first time, and it was an incredibly empowering experience for me. I learned a lot about the kind of physical energy it takes to fuck somebody (all that thrusting is quite the workout).

One thing that made it way more pleasurable for me was when I thought to slip my bullet vibe between the harness and my clit. The harness fits tightly enough to keep the vibrator in just the right spot, and when I fully penetrate my partner, it presses against me harder, increasing my pleasure with each thrust. I can’t actually reach his cock very well when I’m pegging him, but he loves to stroke himself as I thrust. We get into a good rhythm, and we’re able to come simultaneously.

I may look into purchasing a toy that vibrates while penetrating both of us, but until then, this method works quite well.

Better sex for both of you — and better communication

In a male/female couple, using a vibrator not only intensifies the woman’s pleasure but also improves sexual communication, thereby enhancing intimacy.

For almost any sexual position, the woman can choose to hold the vibrator against her while her male partner penetrates her and/or plays with other erogenous zones of her body like her breasts, neck, butt — whatever she likes. This allows her to control the pressure and angle of the toy the entire time. However, her partner can hold it as well and make her come all on his own — as long as she can effectively communicate instructions of when to increase pressure, pull back, change the angle, etc.

If a couple gets to the point where the woman can describe to her partner how to best use a vibrator on her, and her partner does a good job of listening, then the two have made great strides in intimate communication.


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