Relationships Sex

Monogamish Fear and Longing

Some of us want more — but how do we find it?

The pace of my sexual development can best be described as sloth-like. I was slow to the sex game. A late bloomer.

I’ve been the prude. I’ve been the teenage girl who feared God would smite her if she touched a boy’s private parts — or her own.

I’ve been the girl who enjoyed making out but harbored a major phobia of penises. Then my husband-to-be came along and shoved my face on his dick when I was drunk. What a Prince Charming.

As a teen, I was hell-bent on not having intercourse until after I was married. Part of the reason my four-year marriage was so calamitous is that I hated sex with my husband.

Boy, if my ex knew that nowadays I yearned to explore adventures in non-monogamy while in a long-term relationship, he’d flip his lid. I guess being understanding and not pushing a woman into something she’s not ready for does a lot for helping her sexuality grow and flourish.

That’s what I’m learning now in my ten-year relationship with a caring and compassionate man.

A certain desire

It was maybe a couple of years ago that I started yearning for something I couldn’t quite explain. Something…more.

I never desire leaving my partner. I find no fault in him — nothing specifically wrong with us as a couple that needs fixing.

Yet I feel a growing need that isn’t being met.

I’ve always loved connecting with members of the opposite sex. I like talking with interesting men. Flirting with them. I like figuring out what makes them tick psychologically.

I know now that I love variety. I crave it. I’m attracted to different men in different ways and for different reasons, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

I also know that when I’m into a person, it’s not all about sex. I like to ask questions. I like to be asked questions. I like to have conversations. It’s deeper than sex, though there doesn’t have to be an exclusive 24/7 relationship. I want the intellectual-sexual-human connection.

I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m really not into monogamy. And my long-term partner is aware. We’ve chatted about it here and there, though we haven’t taken any, what you might call, actionable steps.

Through no fault of his own, I want something he can’t possibly provide.

He can’t magically multiply himself into several different real people of varying ages with varying interests and experiences. No human person can.

Non-monogamous longings and labels

My partner is more than enough within himself. I love and desire him.

But I want other men too.

Mostly men, and possibly other women…

I’m passionate as hell, and my desires run deep. Fantasies alone aren’t enough to quench my thirst as of late.

There are several different avenues I’d like to explore at some point. And though I don’t insist on the need for labels, they’re helpful when it comes to beginning to understand various forms of non-monogamy and what appeals to me.


I want to bring another person into our sexual play. My preference would be to have another man on board. When I masturbate, I often imagine being penetrated vaginally by one man while another fucks my mouth with his cock.

I use the dreaded passive voice on purpose. Being in the submissive role, having things done to me, is an extreme turn-on. In my fantasy, you’d find me on my back, my wrists bound and secured above my head.

The man fucking my mouth would be kneeling beside my head, pulling on my hair as I pleasured him. The man between my legs would be thrusting slowly at first, then faster and harder, all the while stimulating my nipples with one of his hands and using a small vibrator on my clit with the other, making me come over and over again. My moans of pleasure would be muffled by the cock between my lips.

But I’m open to having an experience with another woman as well. I’m open to watching her be with my partner sexually. I’m also open to performing oral sex on a woman for the first time, but that idea is the most intimidating, I think.

Open relationship

I have several male friends I’ve come to know and care for (and been ridiculously attracted to). Many of whom I’d love to experience sexually. And it keeps happening. I keep meeting interesting men. Men who are great to talk to, great to connect with. When I feel physical attraction mixed with mental attraction, it’s an intoxicating cocktail.

I don’t want to cheat, though I’m sometimes seriously tempted to the point that it tears me apart.

And I don’t want to leave my partner — he’s my ultimate and I’m secure in the knowledge that I wouldn’t want to jump ship.

But I do want to date and have sex with other men once in a while. With my partner’s approval. I’d give him the same courtesy, of course. But this is something he is particularly wary of.


I’d like to swing with the couple I’ve recently fallen for. The four of us have become close and get along so well. Whenever we go out together, it’s a fun dynamic and we all laugh a lot. We have a lot of the same interests. We’ve been friends for about four months, and both my partner and I really enjoy them.

I’m especially attracted to my friend’s husband, but I care for her dearly and would never want to hurt her by bringing the topic up. Who knows how the hell one does something like that?

Of course, what I want to experience with them might be more in the realm of polyamory versus swinging, as emotions are involved. I don’t think I could swing with other couples without experiencing emotions and building relationships…

Kinkster — voyeur and participant

You can certainly be kinky in a monogamous relationship, but I’d like to explore experiences outside what goes on between me and my partner. I want to go to a club or dungeon together and watch people play in a BDSM setting. Voyeurism is another major turn-on for me.

I think I want to be played with in public too. I can see myself standing upright with my hands tied to a beam, breasts exposed, and made to orgasm over and over again in front of a small crowd until I’m brought to the brink of insanity. I’d be wearing thigh-highs and a corset and lace panties that get pushed aside or ripped away…

But I’m not so much an exhibitionist. I’m sexually shy and super self-conscious, though the challenge of experiencing something like being mostly naked and pleasured in a public setting has an appeal. A scary, delicious appeal.


I’m polyamorous in the sense that I know I’m capable of falling in love with more than one person. And falling for someone else doesn’t diminish the love I feel for my partner either. At the moment, you might say I’m capable of falling in infatuation with more than one person, as I haven’t pushed it any farther than that.


Well fuck, I just want to be able to have everything I want, whatever that is. And I want my partner to be cool with that.

Not at all complicated, right?

Joking aside, part of the problem is I’m not exactly sure what I want. I’m also afraid I maybe want too much. Feelings of sexual shame from my upbringing and organized religion pop up. I also fear hurting others and going about things the wrong way.

It’s difficult to go against society’s rules of a traditional relationship when you’re hardwired to be a considerate rule-follower. There’s also the notion that you have to define your own rules when going down this path, but how can we do that when we don’t know what the hell we’re even doing?

If my sex and relationship journey were a rowboat, you could say I’ve slowly drifted away from one end of the relationship pond — that shore being absolute monogamy — and have somewhat clumsily and unskillfully rowed toward the other extreme — lawless relationship anarchy.

Somewhere along the way there is voyeurism. A threesome with the perfect unicorn. Swinging with a couple I adore. Open relationships. Polyamory. I sort of want to stop at all of them. Right now I’m stuck in the pond, bogged down by a huge mess of cattails that feel impossible to chop through.

Of course, I don’t expect any given relationship or sexual adventure to be perfect. I’m aware this is real life, and such endeavors will always include challenges. But I long for such a challenge, because it would be worth it to not have to look back and kick myself for never pursuing my desires, my needs.

Falling somewhere in the middle of two extremes, it’s difficult to find my footing. When you want something more, or someone else, but you don’t know how that looks like or how to go about it, you find yourself stuck in a perpetual state of indecision and yearning.

I know I want meaningful, emotionally connected, fun, human, and — yes — sexual experiences with others.

And I know it typically doesn’t just happen. You have to reach for it.

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Relationships Sex

My Boyfriend Told Me He Wants to Give Other Men Oral

Navigating our sexual evolution as a couple

Recently, my good friend Gabby and I finally got together for dinner and drinks after syncing up our too-busy schedules. We talked about the usual over my white wine and her Moscow mule. What I’d been up to, the new woman she was dating, how neither of us could stay out too late or drink too much because we both had to work early in the morning.

Fast forward to sometime around midnight, our second bar of the evening, four or five drinks in. We were analyzing each other’s sex lives, as we like to do, and that’s when I decided to seek her wise counsel.

I shared my wandering thoughts regarding something my partner and I had discussed on several different occasions. There were a few reasons it felt right, one of them being her experience with exploring her sexuality and eventually coming out as a lesbian to her friends and family.

I prefaced it by explaining I was about to reveal some pretty personal info that wasn’t exactly mine to share. But I didn’t know where else to turn. And I trusted her.

“I’m pretty sure my boyfriend wants to have sex with men,” I blurted out. “I think he’s bisexual.”

She raised an eyebrow and took another drink, the corners of her lips drifting upward in a subtle smile.

Honesty time

When I met my partner, it was literally love at first sight. Depending on your perspective, it could be considered lust at first sight, but the second after we were introduced to each other, there was an intense emotional/intellectual connection as well as a physical one.

It’s safe to say that it was love and lust at first sight.

We were extremely hot and heavy for years, and it was the most intense connection I’d ever experienced with a man.

There are a million stories I would love to write about how we got where we are, but this is the one I’m focused on at present. It’s the state of our sexual relationship as it is today — which is evolving.

Our first eight years together, I had no inclination that my partner might be sexually interested in men. None at all. He was too busy getting into my pants and making me feel like the most tempting goddess of sex in all the universe.

He didn’t tell me about his past experience with a guy until much later, and I learned that he’s never spoken about it to any of his other female partners before me.

He told me of his secret encounter while we were in bed one night, post-sex. By this point, things had slowed down for us as a couple sexually, and I’d just started exploring my own sexual awakening. This was a couple years ago when I was starting to realize that monogamy was, maybe, not my default.

I’d been slowly letting him in on my growing interest in threesomes, open relationships, and polyamory. It was a time in our relationship when we were talking about sex and fantasies more than we were having sex.

I had just shared with him that, if it was something he wanted, I’d be open to inviting another woman to join us, even though the idea of sex with a woman isn’t a huge turn-on for me. But if the right situation came along, and we all felt safe with consensual exploration, it’s an experience I wouldn’t want to miss.

My strong preference, however, would be to invite another man to join us. I fantasize about a wild and intense threesome where two men are giving me all of the attention.

Lo and behold, my revelations encouraged him to reveal one of his own. That night, for no particular reason I can discern, he felt comfortable sharing a same-sex experience he’d had in high school. He’d given one of his male friends oral sex. And he admitted that, even after twenty-plus years of never acting on feelings of same-sex attraction, they were still there.

A secure man can be vulnerable

I was totally surprised. This man was the best kisser I’d ever been with, the best giver of oral sex, and the one who could make love to me until I was in a spellbinding, orgasmic daze. But just because he was very skilled with a woman’s body didn’t mean he couldn’t be skilled with a man’s. My being a female never seemed to be a turn-off for him, so I assumed he was bisexual.

A survey of LGBT Americans from the Pew Research Center found that while 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians say the important people in their lives know of their sexual orientation, just 28% of bisexuals say the same.

This lines up with the fact that my partner has never admitted it to anyone else, and he never even told me until we had eight years under our belt.

Back when we first started talking about his sexual attraction to men, he wouldn’t attach a label to it, and I didn’t either. It was new, it was interesting, it was exciting. I never knew he was so sexually open-minded. We were evolving together.

How many women have told their male partners about experimenting with a woman sexually, or just wondering what it would be like? How many men would confide their same-sex experience or curiosity to their female partners?

Mine would. He would trust me enough to let me in. And I love that about him. I was happy that he felt safe telling me something he had never felt safe enough to tell anyone else.

And I think once he learned how accepting/encouraging I was, he found it easier to talk about.

And boy, did he talk.

Aural sex

My partner can be extremely vocal when we’re being intimate. Talking about various sexual scenarios intensifies his orgasm. Eventually, he felt comfortable enough to talk about what he’d like to do with another man.

And he wanted me to talk about it too. I admit, I get a little shy when it comes to dirty talk. Sometimes I’m in the mood to just shut up and get down to the action. Plus, he’s far better at the talking than I am.

But I know he absolutely loves it when I participate and paint a verbal picture for him, so from time to time, I’ll give it my best effort. I know the idea of fellating a man still turns him on, and sometimes we’ll talk about that.

Other times we talk about him watching me and one of my girlfriends. Or, one of his favorites, me pegging him with a strap-on while he gives a male guest a blow job.

I confess, there was a point when, while discussing different hypothetical scenes, I started feeling less turned on and more insecure. Was I enough for him? Was he more into men, or maybe just into men? Did he need to fantasize about a man in order to get off with me? Was my lack of external genitalia becoming a problem now that he’d opened up about this hidden part of his sexuality?

Maybe I even felt like I was in competition with him, on some weird imaginary level that has yet to happen. If we finally do feel adventurous enough to invite a man into a threesome, I wanted to be the one giving blow jobs while being fucked. Now, I realize, I might have to wait in line.

I’m incredibly submissive when it comes to sex. And I think my partner might be as well. Maybe labels have their drawbacks, but in my case, I think I’d find them helpful.

Evolving together

Despite some of my worries, which I’m pretty sure are rooted in insecurity and have no real foundation when it comes to my partner’s love for me, the fact remains that we’re definitely not bored as a couple. And, I like to give blow jobs too, so I can see where he’s coming from.

If a couple starts to get bored, stops exploring their ever-changing sexual desires, or, worst of all, stops communicating — they’re in trouble.

Somehow, I think my partner and I are just beginning. We’re like an upgraded version of what we were before, and I look forward to where this new platform will take us.

I shared all this with my trustworthy friend on a Friday night in a dark corner of a hole-in-the-wall bar. Interestingly enough, when she found out my partner loved pegging, her eyes lit up.

Gabby has never enjoyed being penetrated by a man, but she does feel attraction to men, and pegging is something she’s very much into.

Later that night, when I went home to my partner and straddled him, I explained everything Gabby and I had discussed.

I know he wants to invite Gabby in, and the fact that she knows about this part of him seemed to flip a switch. That night while we made love, he was very vocal about what he wanted the three of us to do together.

Honestly, Gabby’s the one friend I think I’d feel comfortable with bringing into our first threesome, though that night is the closest she and I have ever come to touching on that topic. Though we both flirt with each other shamelessly, we’ve never so much as kissed.

The question still remains: Will my partner and I act on our fantasies, or do we keep them wrapped in a nice, safe bubble that we take out and play with on occasion, when we’re in the mood for a little aural stimulation?

I’m excited to find out.

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Relationships Sex

I Finally Lost My Anal Virginity

Here’s how I gained a whole new world of pleasure

After multiple failed attempts over the last four years or so, I finally lost my anal virginity. It just happened this past weekend.

And it went well. Very well.

I didn’t even know Anal August was a thing until afterward when I started writing — but what perfect timing!

Ever since leaving a marriage where sex had become a nightmare, I’ve been on a kick of exploring my sexual self.

Escaping a mentally and sometimes sexually abusive relationship left me free to discover who I was as an independent woman. I went from associating sex with feelings of emotional turmoil to falling in love with a partner who taught me it can be pleasurable, passionate, and adventurous — when you’re with the right person.

For me, being sexually adventurous means exploring uncharted territory. Finding new and exciting ways of enhancing pleasure for my partner and myself.

One such territory is anal. But — (giggles) — no longer is butt sex uncharted for this sexual explorer. Hubby and I have successfully mapped that Wild West.

And I must say, I’d do it again.

New, different, and incredibly hot

One very important thing we had neglected during previous attempts was making sure I was truly ready to go. We’d have a little foreplay — a good bit of it focused on making him hard and ready — but not enough for me.

I think that’s the defining difference of why I was able to be fully penetrated this time: we made sure I climaxed first. Lots of kissing on my lips and on my neck. Lots of massaging my breasts and stimulating my nipples with both his tongue and fingers.

We used my vibrator that includes both G-spot and clitoral stimulation, and he watched me make myself come while he continued massaging my breasts. It was a super intense orgasm — so I was very much aroused and relaxed down there when I turned over on my belly.

Face down, ass up was the position I was comfortable trying. We started with a small butt plug first, then a bigger dildo with a base (super important with anal). It was longer than the butt plug, but still slimmer than his cock.

He inserted the toy slowly, with my clear communication for guidance on whether to keep going or not.

And this is the newest tidbit of information I found that helped me learn how to enjoy anal without hurting. Though it might seem counter-intuitive, bearing down and actually pushing out during penetration allows you to relax that ring of muscle.

That’s what I focused on with my ass in the air. We got the toy all the way in, and I used my little bullet vibrator on my clit at the same time. The sensation was different, but good. I still felt very full and stimulated, like with vaginal sex, but in a new and different place. Using the bullet vibe along with anal penetration was wonderful.

After a few minutes of the dildo, we moved to his larger, thicker cock. There was a more intense pressure, and only a tiny bit of pain at the first initial penetration. He used plenty of lube, and I again guided him with my voice. He had to go a little slower than with the dildo, but once he was all the way in, I again felt that full, pleasurable feeling.

And then he was fucking my ass. Slowly, then a little bit faster.

I was playing with my clit and being fucked in the ass for the very first time — and I was loud as hell in response to the pleasure. It was truly wild. We even managed to try a different position — he guided me down to lie flat on my stomach, his cock still inside me, and started prone-boning me with my legs closed, my muscles gripping his cock extra tight.

It felt pretty amazing.

Preparation is key

Forward planning was necessary to make it happen for me. Not just the night of, but leading up to it. Though I was always open to anal sex because my partner was interested, after a couple of failed attempts I thought maybe it just wasn’t physically possible for me.

But after plenty of time had passed since our previous attempt, I got curious again.

I wanted to know why some women enjoyed it, and I couldn’t seem to even be penetrated. The two times we tried, it was far too painful. I wasn’t relaxed or aroused enough, and my body became this impenetrable fortress that wouldn’t allow entry, no matter how I tried to make it happen.

It’s important to say that I received absolutely zero pressure from Hubby for us to keep trying. I knew the thought of it drove him crazy though. He’s an ass man, and his pleausure was indeed a motivator for me.

About a third of women say they find anal penetration pleasurable, according to a study for the National Institutes of Health, and I made it my personal mission to see if I could too. I knew there were probably some steps we had skipped and could try to incorporate, so I started doing some serious anal sex research.

I read articles and listened to sex podcasts directed toward women and couples. Some amazing and informative references that helped me in my academic anal pursuits are The 3 Best Positions for Great Anal Sex by Emma Austin, How to Make Anal Sex Less Intimidating by Demeter deLune, and the Shameless Sex podcast.

I didn’t learn until recently that you have two sets of muscle (external and internal sphincters) that need to relax and stretch open to allow entry.

“While you can control your external sphincter (skeletal muscle) consciously, the internal sphincter (smooth muscle) is not under voluntary control, and may need some additional coaxing to relax.”

Top Tips for More Pleasurable Bottoming, Jason Wong, PT, DPT

Learning this was key, because it finally hit home that I can’t just have anal sex because I will it to happen. I learned that my body needs some extra warming up, a bit of stretching with some toys, and an orgasm or two before he penetrates me.

Third time’s a charm!

Even though I thought I hated anal sex or wasn’t capable of it, I realized that for some, like me, it’s just a matter of learning about your body and knowing how to prepare. The result is discovering new pleasure zones I’d never felt before.

Here’s what I would recommend to anyone thinking of being on the receiving end of anal sex.

  1. Preparation. Confession: I have anxiety around germs and poo during sex. I don’t like the idea of getting messy back there, and it’s something that can really affect my body’s ability to relax. What helped me with this was knowing I’d gone to the bathroom that morning. I ate light that day. And, during my shower just before we fucked, I placed my finger in my bum, which assured me things were nice and tidy. Knowing this beforehand really helps if you’re an anxious gal like me.
  2. Foreplay. Lots of foreplay. I need to come before I’m penetrated. Once, at the very least. (More is better!)
  3. Lube, lube, lube. I love the feeling of it on my skin, and it’s a step you can’t skip or replace with saliva.
  4. Patience and communication. Go slow. Talk. Check in. Always be clear about what’s working and what isn’t.
  5. Understand it might not work out. And both partners need to be completely cool with it if it doesn’t. You don’t only have to give it one chance — you can try again later if you want to. Sometimes practice makes perfect!

As good as everything felt (and it felt really fucking good), neither of us got to come this first time. I had pretty much desensitized my clit from all the battery-operated stimulation I’d been giving it for a good while up to the anal sex.

And he didn’t get to come in my ass, as he sometimes will lose his erection if he waits too long to finish. So all the preparation and warm-up is absolutely necessary, but it’s going to be tricky for us to work out the timing for both of our unique bodies.

But the experience was immensely hot and has opened a whole new world of pleasure for us — so I see it as a successful new venture! I think with some practice, we’ll get the hang of it.


How to Love a Sapiosexual

Some of us have a fetish for intelligence

People often discuss matters of the head versus matters of the heart. We sometimes think of falling in love as an intense chemical reaction — an overwhelming physical and emotional yearning that drives us to connect with the object of our affection.

But what if we fall in lust or love because of matters of the head? What if one thing that drives us especially wild is a potential lover’s intellect?

One of my fantasies involves making love with an intelligent, clever book lover amongst the shelves of a bookstore. Or, maybe he’s the book dealer. Doesn’t matter. As long as devouring the art of the written word does as much for him as it does for me.

I’ve dated guys in school because I was really into the size of their large…GPAs. I’ve fallen for men (and a few women) because of their ability to write well. And I’ve sexted with a guy friend online who incorporated Hemingway quotes into our super hot messages.

If you were to say I was a sapiosexual, you’d be correct.

Sapiosexual simply refers to someone who is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people.

There’s nothing new or original about being attracted to a keen intellect. It’s a pretty common thing, so some find the idea that we identify ourselves with our own special label as pretentious.

But the phrase has gained traction on online dating sites and apps in recent years, and I love it. I think it’s a helpful identifier to mark our interest in intelligence and allows us to find like-minded potential partners.

It’s also a useful way to counteract the often superficial nature of online dating. Some of us need to engage in stimulating conversation and experience a deeper intellectual connection in our romantic relationships.

A lust for learning

A few years ago, I dated a guy I met by chance at a bar. We started chatting because we were standing next to each other as we waited for our drinks, and I learned he was a grad student close to finishing his master’s in psychology.

Someone who loves learning and has worked hard to earn their master’s or — gulp — PhD is incredibly sexy to me. And someone who’s also fascinated by psychology?

This guy had my attention instantly.

So as young bar-goers stumbled and shouted drunkenly around us, we talked about literature and writing — and we discovered we liked a lot of the same authors. I brought a book our of my purse, as I had just been shopping at the bookstore with my girlfriends before hitting up the bar. He’d already read it, and he told me, without spoiling the story, what he loved about it.

We dated for a while — and half of our relationship was him recommending authors and alternative bands I’d never heard of. He seemed to have a steel-trap memory, and I loved how much I was learning.

I look back at the beginning of dating him as one of the most intellectually stimulating relationships I’ve had. And, as a sapiosexual who gets turned on by intelligence, it was also one of the most sexually exciting.

If your long-term partner or the person you’re newly dating happens to be attracted to intelligence, don’t let that intimidate you. It’s not so much a matter of being the smartest person in the room — it’s more about taking an interest in developing your mind.

You can drive your sapiosexual lover wild simply by tending to their intellectual needs, just as you tend to any needs that come up in a relationship.

Ways to address a lover’s intellectual needs

Ask questions

About your partner. About yourself. About the meaning of life.

Ask questions about the movie you’ve just watched together or the woman you both see in line at the store who carries a pet rabbit as her emotional support animal. Being inquisitive allows us to learn, uncover challenges, find solutions, and explore each other’s minds. Curiosity is a major turn-on for us.


Read nonfiction books, current events articles, novels, peer-reviewed journals— or listen to audiobooks and informative podcasts. Then, go talk to your love about what you’ve discovered. Maybe send a link and a sexy little message about how they’ll be intrigued by this piece you’ve just read. Yummy.

Keep cultivating your passion

Maybe your thing is marine biology. Maybe it’s rebuilding Mustangs. Maybe it’s studying philosophy. Maybe it’s special effects makeup or music or some other art form. Whatever you do, whatever you love, keep learning about it, improving on your skills, and sharing your work. But leave room to talk about your sapiosexual’s passions as well — because they have plenty!

Offer to do something stimulating together (stimulating for the mind, I mean)

Suggest a date beyond dinner, Netflix, and sex. Normally you could see a play, attend a lecture on a topic that pique’s your interest, or take a class together. With COVID-19, brainy dating looks a little different, but you can adjust depending on what’s open in your area. Consider a virtual lecture or virtual museum tours. Find an outdoor spot you can visit together — like local parks, art installations, or even just hiking in the woods. Taking in nature while engaging in the lost art of conversation is super underrated, especially when we’re relying so heavily on digital communications right now.

Love smarter

For many who are out there dating, whether casually or in the search for long-term partnership, it takes more than a pretty face or hot sex to hold our interest.

What is it about deep thinkers that does it for some of us? What is it about book geeks or music aficionados or men who can speak multiple languages that drives women like me absolutely mad?

What is it about a potential lover who enjoys reading philosophy or knows when to use lay versus lie that makes me melt into a willing puddle of lust on the floor?


It’s because the brain is a highly sexual organ. And the mind is indeed one of the sexiest parts of a person.

Keep feeding your brain. That way, when you find yourself with someone for whom lust and intellect are interconnected, you’ll be able to love your sapiosexual that much better.