Some of us want more — but how do we find it?
The pace of my sexual development can best be described as sloth-like. I was slow to the sex game. A late bloomer.
I’ve been the prude. I’ve been the teenage girl who feared God would smite her if she touched a boy’s private parts — or her own.
I’ve been the girl who enjoyed making out but harbored a major phobia of penises. Then my husband-to-be came along and shoved my face on his dick when I was drunk. What a Prince Charming.
As a teen, I was hell-bent on not having intercourse until after I was married. Part of the reason my four-year marriage was so calamitous is that I hated sex with my husband.
Boy, if my ex knew that nowadays I yearned to explore adventures in non-monogamy while in a long-term relationship, he’d flip his lid. I guess being understanding and not pushing a woman into something she’s not ready for does a lot for helping her sexuality grow and flourish.
That’s what I’m learning now in my ten-year relationship with a caring and compassionate man.
A certain desire
It was maybe a couple of years ago that I started yearning for something I couldn’t quite explain. Something…more.
I never desire leaving my partner. I find no fault in him — nothing specifically wrong with us as a couple that needs fixing.
Yet I feel a growing need that isn’t being met.
I’ve always loved connecting with members of the opposite sex. I like talking with interesting men. Flirting with them. I like figuring out what makes them tick psychologically.
I know now that I love variety. I crave it. I’m attracted to different men in different ways and for different reasons, not just physically, but emotionally as well.
I also know that when I’m into a person, it’s not all about sex. I like to ask questions. I like to be asked questions. I like to have conversations. It’s deeper than sex, though there doesn’t have to be an exclusive 24/7 relationship. I want the intellectual-sexual-human connection.
I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m really not into monogamy. And my long-term partner is aware. We’ve chatted about it here and there, though we haven’t taken any, what you might call, actionable steps.
Through no fault of his own, I want something he can’t possibly provide.
He can’t magically multiply himself into several different real people of varying ages with varying interests and experiences. No human person can.
Non-monogamous longings and labels
My partner is more than enough within himself. I love and desire him.
But I want other men too.
Mostly men, and possibly other women…
I’m passionate as hell, and my desires run deep. Fantasies alone aren’t enough to quench my thirst as of late.
There are several different avenues I’d like to explore at some point. And though I don’t insist on the need for labels, they’re helpful when it comes to beginning to understand various forms of non-monogamy and what appeals to me.
I want to bring another person into our sexual play. My preference would be to have another man on board. When I masturbate, I often imagine being penetrated vaginally by one man while another fucks my mouth with his cock.
I use the dreaded passive voice on purpose. Being in the submissive role, having things done to me, is an extreme turn-on. In my fantasy, you’d find me on my back, my wrists bound and secured above my head.
The man fucking my mouth would be kneeling beside my head, pulling on my hair as I pleasured him. The man between my legs would be thrusting slowly at first, then faster and harder, all the while stimulating my nipples with one of his hands and using a small vibrator on my clit with the other, making me come over and over again. My moans of pleasure would be muffled by the cock between my lips.
But I’m open to having an experience with another woman as well. I’m open to watching her be with my partner sexually. I’m also open to performing oral sex on a woman for the first time, but that idea is the most intimidating, I think.
I have several male friends I’ve come to know and care for (and been ridiculously attracted to). Many of whom I’d love to experience sexually. And it keeps happening. I keep meeting interesting men. Men who are great to talk to, great to connect with. When I feel physical attraction mixed with mental attraction, it’s an intoxicating cocktail.
I don’t want to cheat, though I’m sometimes seriously tempted to the point that it tears me apart.
And I don’t want to leave my partner — he’s my ultimate and I’m secure in the knowledge that I wouldn’t want to jump ship.
But I do want to date and have sex with other men once in a while. With my partner’s approval. I’d give him the same courtesy, of course. But this is something he is particularly wary of.
I’d like to swing with the couple I’ve recently fallen for. The four of us have become close and get along so well. Whenever we go out together, it’s a fun dynamic and we all laugh a lot. We have a lot of the same interests. We’ve been friends for about four months, and both my partner and I really enjoy them.
I’m especially attracted to my friend’s husband, but I care for her dearly and would never want to hurt her by bringing the topic up. Who knows how the hell one does something like that?
Of course, what I want to experience with them might be more in the realm of polyamory versus swinging, as emotions are involved. I don’t think I could swing with other couples without experiencing emotions and building relationships…
Kinkster — voyeur and participant
You can certainly be kinky in a monogamous relationship, but I’d like to explore experiences outside what goes on between me and my partner. I want to go to a club or dungeon together and watch people play in a BDSM setting. Voyeurism is another major turn-on for me.
I think I want to be played with in public too. I can see myself standing upright with my hands tied to a beam, breasts exposed, and made to orgasm over and over again in front of a small crowd until I’m brought to the brink of insanity. I’d be wearing thigh-highs and a corset and lace panties that get pushed aside or ripped away…
But I’m not so much an exhibitionist. I’m sexually shy and super self-conscious, though the challenge of experiencing something like being mostly naked and pleasured in a public setting has an appeal. A scary, delicious appeal.
I’m polyamorous in the sense that I know I’m capable of falling in love with more than one person. And falling for someone else doesn’t diminish the love I feel for my partner either. At the moment, you might say I’m capable of falling in infatuation with more than one person, as I haven’t pushed it any farther than that.
Well fuck, I just want to be able to have everything I want, whatever that is. And I want my partner to be cool with that.
Not at all complicated, right?
Joking aside, part of the problem is I’m not exactly sure what I want. I’m also afraid I maybe want too much. Feelings of sexual shame from my upbringing and organized religion pop up. I also fear hurting others and going about things the wrong way.
It’s difficult to go against society’s rules of a traditional relationship when you’re hardwired to be a considerate rule-follower. There’s also the notion that you have to define your own rules when going down this path, but how can we do that when we don’t know what the hell we’re even doing?
If my sex and relationship journey were a rowboat, you could say I’ve slowly drifted away from one end of the relationship pond — that shore being absolute monogamy — and have somewhat clumsily and unskillfully rowed toward the other extreme — lawless relationship anarchy.
Somewhere along the way there is voyeurism. A threesome with the perfect unicorn. Swinging with a couple I adore. Open relationships. Polyamory. I sort of want to stop at all of them. Right now I’m stuck in the pond, bogged down by a huge mess of cattails that feel impossible to chop through.
Of course, I don’t expect any given relationship or sexual adventure to be perfect. I’m aware this is real life, and such endeavors will always include challenges. But I long for such a challenge, because it would be worth it to not have to look back and kick myself for never pursuing my desires, my needs.
Falling somewhere in the middle of two extremes, it’s difficult to find my footing. When you want something more, or someone else, but you don’t know how that looks like or how to go about it, you find yourself stuck in a perpetual state of indecision and yearning.
I know I want meaningful, emotionally connected, fun, human, and — yes — sexual experiences with others.
And I know it typically doesn’t just happen. You have to reach for it.
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One reply on “Monogamish Fear and Longing”
I really enjoyed reading this post, Holly! It sounds like you are ready to get adventurous. There is a lot of information out there about different types of polyamory, including a distinct type where there is a primary relationship (like you and your boyfriend), and then relationships with others simultaneously. I wish you the best of luck on your journey as you explore your heart’s desires 🙂