Navigating our sexual evolution as a couple
Recently, my good friend Gabby and I finally got together for dinner and drinks after syncing up our too-busy schedules. We talked about the usual over my white wine and her Moscow mule. What I’d been up to, the new woman she was dating, how neither of us could stay out too late or drink too much because we both had to work early in the morning.
Fast forward to sometime around midnight, our second bar of the evening, four or five drinks in. We were analyzing each other’s sex lives, as we like to do, and that’s when I decided to seek her wise counsel.
I shared my wandering thoughts regarding something my partner and I had discussed on several different occasions. There were a few reasons it felt right, one of them being her experience with exploring her sexuality and eventually coming out as a lesbian to her friends and family.
I prefaced it by explaining I was about to reveal some pretty personal info that wasn’t exactly mine to share. But I didn’t know where else to turn. And I trusted her.
“I’m pretty sure my boyfriend wants to have sex with men,” I blurted out. “I think he’s bisexual.”
She raised an eyebrow and took another drink, the corners of her lips drifting upward in a subtle smile.
When I met my partner, it was literally love at first sight. Depending on your perspective, it could be considered lust at first sight, but the second after we were introduced to each other, there was an intense emotional/intellectual connection as well as a physical one.
It’s safe to say that it was love and lust at first sight.
We were extremely hot and heavy for years, and it was the most intense connection I’d ever experienced with a man.
There are a million stories I would love to write about how we got where we are, but this is the one I’m focused on at present. It’s the state of our sexual relationship as it is today — which is evolving.
Our first eight years together, I had no inclination that my partner might be sexually interested in men. None at all. He was too busy getting into my pants and making me feel like the most tempting goddess of sex in all the universe.
He didn’t tell me about his past experience with a guy until much later, and I learned that he’s never spoken about it to any of his other female partners before me.
He told me of his secret encounter while we were in bed one night, post-sex. By this point, things had slowed down for us as a couple sexually, and I’d just started exploring my own sexual awakening. This was a couple years ago when I was starting to realize that monogamy was, maybe, not my default.
I’d been slowly letting him in on my growing interest in threesomes, open relationships, and polyamory. It was a time in our relationship when we were talking about sex and fantasies more than we were having sex.
I had just shared with him that, if it was something he wanted, I’d be open to inviting another woman to join us, even though the idea of sex with a woman isn’t a huge turn-on for me. But if the right situation came along, and we all felt safe with consensual exploration, it’s an experience I wouldn’t want to miss.
My strong preference, however, would be to invite another man to join us. I fantasize about a wild and intense threesome where two men are giving me all of the attention.
Lo and behold, my revelations encouraged him to reveal one of his own. That night, for no particular reason I can discern, he felt comfortable sharing a same-sex experience he’d had in high school. He’d given one of his male friends oral sex. And he admitted that, even after twenty-plus years of never acting on feelings of same-sex attraction, they were still there.
A secure man can be vulnerable
I was totally surprised. This man was the best kisser I’d ever been with, the best giver of oral sex, and the one who could make love to me until I was in a spellbinding, orgasmic daze. But just because he was very skilled with a woman’s body didn’t mean he couldn’t be skilled with a man’s. My being a female never seemed to be a turn-off for him, so I assumed he was bisexual.
A survey of LGBT Americans from the Pew Research Center found that while 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians say the important people in their lives know of their sexual orientation, just 28% of bisexuals say the same.
This lines up with the fact that my partner has never admitted it to anyone else, and he never even told me until we had eight years under our belt.
Back when we first started talking about his sexual attraction to men, he wouldn’t attach a label to it, and I didn’t either. It was new, it was interesting, it was exciting. I never knew he was so sexually open-minded. We were evolving together.
How many women have told their male partners about experimenting with a woman sexually, or just wondering what it would be like? How many men would confide their same-sex experience or curiosity to their female partners?
Mine would. He would trust me enough to let me in. And I love that about him. I was happy that he felt safe telling me something he had never felt safe enough to tell anyone else.
And I think once he learned how accepting/encouraging I was, he found it easier to talk about.
And boy, did he talk.
My partner can be extremely vocal when we’re being intimate. Talking about various sexual scenarios intensifies his orgasm. Eventually, he felt comfortable enough to talk about what he’d like to do with another man.
And he wanted me to talk about it too. I admit, I get a little shy when it comes to dirty talk. Sometimes I’m in the mood to just shut up and get down to the action. Plus, he’s far better at the talking than I am.
But I know he absolutely loves it when I participate and paint a verbal picture for him, so from time to time, I’ll give it my best effort. I know the idea of fellating a man still turns him on, and sometimes we’ll talk about that.
Other times we talk about him watching me and one of my girlfriends. Or, one of his favorites, me pegging him with a strap-on while he gives a male guest a blow job.
I confess, there was a point when, while discussing different hypothetical scenes, I started feeling less turned on and more insecure. Was I enough for him? Was he more into men, or maybe just into men? Did he need to fantasize about a man in order to get off with me? Was my lack of external genitalia becoming a problem now that he’d opened up about this hidden part of his sexuality?
Maybe I even felt like I was in competition with him, on some weird imaginary level that has yet to happen. If we finally do feel adventurous enough to invite a man into a threesome, I wanted to be the one giving blow jobs while being fucked. Now, I realize, I might have to wait in line.
I’m incredibly submissive when it comes to sex. And I think my partner might be as well. Maybe labels have their drawbacks, but in my case, I think I’d find them helpful.
Despite some of my worries, which I’m pretty sure are rooted in insecurity and have no real foundation when it comes to my partner’s love for me, the fact remains that we’re definitely not bored as a couple. And, I like to give blow jobs too, so I can see where he’s coming from.
If a couple starts to get bored, stops exploring their ever-changing sexual desires, or, worst of all, stops communicating — they’re in trouble.
Somehow, I think my partner and I are just beginning. We’re like an upgraded version of what we were before, and I look forward to where this new platform will take us.
I shared all this with my trustworthy friend on a Friday night in a dark corner of a hole-in-the-wall bar. Interestingly enough, when she found out my partner loved pegging, her eyes lit up.
Gabby has never enjoyed being penetrated by a man, but she does feel attraction to men, and pegging is something she’s very much into.
Later that night, when I went home to my partner and straddled him, I explained everything Gabby and I had discussed.
I know he wants to invite Gabby in, and the fact that she knows about this part of him seemed to flip a switch. That night while we made love, he was very vocal about what he wanted the three of us to do together.
Honestly, Gabby’s the one friend I think I’d feel comfortable with bringing into our first threesome, though that night is the closest she and I have ever come to touching on that topic. Though we both flirt with each other shamelessly, we’ve never so much as kissed.
The question still remains: Will my partner and I act on our fantasies, or do we keep them wrapped in a nice, safe bubble that we take out and play with on occasion, when we’re in the mood for a little aural stimulation?
I’m excited to find out.